The Goddess in You

Micah - Goddess Photoshoot by SeguraPhotos

Today is September 6, 2015, the day that Venus begins to go direct (it will remain in shadow until October 9th) and coincidentally it's also World Goddess Day. I'm not sure how seriously I would normally take this but today I feel as if someone is screaming at me and I can't hear them. Is it my Higher Self? Is it God? I believe we have aspects of all of these archetypes within us. I relate more to the Goddess archetypes so I created this blog as a sort of exercise for others; a way to step outside of ourselves as observers without attachment to see how we would interpret our current situations, feelings, relationships and goals and what perspective we would offer ourselves through each unique filter.

These are four that help, hinder and haunt me. What they have taught me so far is at the end. If you try this exercise, please share any insights in the comments!

Venus of Urbino by Titian - 1538

Aphrodite (Roman name: Venus) - Goddess of Love, Beauty and Regeneration - protector of sailors. Her and I have had a love / hate relationship for a very long time. As Venus was retrograde many relationships were challenged and a lot of people ended relationships or did things in order to explore love and where they fit in the universal dance that they never imagined themselves doing. The greater the surprises were the more disconnected we were from recognizing how we have been showing up in our relationships, how our love expressions may have been off balance and how open we are to having healthy relationships (in general) with healthy boundaries with like-minded individuals. Whatever we have been avoiding, we have been forced to face. Now what do we do with that?

I have a love / hate relationship with this goddess because on one hand it feels wonderful and powerful to embrace our beauty (internally and externally), to have it recognized, valued, appreciated. It also feels wonderful to be in love but the act of love - doing love - can become a challenge. Words and actions can fail to match up. Expectations increase as do disappointments and resentments. The longing to be accepted for who you are and for exactly where you happen to be, all while being emotionally and spiritually encouraged and supported as you strive to be a better you becomes more and more elusive. It seems the more elusive a thing is the greater the desire for it and the further we push it away.

Athena statue at Parthenos

Athena (Roman name: Minerva) who for years I related to most. Goddess of Wisdom she was skilled in the art of war and negotiation. She was just and always sought peace. She was also Zeus' favorite.

Athena was with me when I did the goddess photoshoot the day after my Grandmother passed away. I felt the strength of this woman who had always faced every perceivable tragedy with a wisdom and soft giggle that could quickly ease the greatest of fears. Athena has been with me as I struggled to find a home to live in, I committed to being the first person in my family to complete a degree against all odds and as I fell in love again after a painful marriage. The shadow was probably becoming overly focused on survival and just getting through each day to the point of closing myself off from my true self, those I loved and others.

Athena and her wisdom are part of who I am but I lose myself and my ability to connect with others when I become overly ruled by my head and my ideals. In her wisdom I believe she is inviting me to connect with the other goddesses now in order to become my own version of a goddess.

Hestia

Hestia (Roman name: Vesta) - The gentlest of the gods she was the goddess of the hearth. Without realizing it I have longed to embody this goddess the most since I was a little girl. In the book, The Alchemist it is referred to as a "Personal Legend". This quiet and gentle goddess finds the greatest value in a warm fireplace that loved ones can gather around and warm their bodies, hearts, minds and spirits. Embodying being-ness and healthy connectedness, this is who I have most longed to be deep down but my excitable nature begins to get distracted by the gifts of the other goddesses instead of embodying all of them simultaneously. This is why the archetype of Hestia continues to elude me.

Hera campana

Hera (Roman name: Juno) - Goddess of Marriage and Queen of the Gods with a serious jealous streak. I have known this archetype. I have known justified jealousy but have known great restraint in these moments (thank you, Athena). I was far from a goddess when married. I did not honor myself and therefore could not honor my household.

Micah - Goddess Shoot by Segura Photos

There are more goddesses and I encourage you to look them up to research them as archetypes, possibly meditate on the ones that resonate with you the most; even use them when creating visualizations or scripts for healing sessions. Here's what I have taken away from my meditations on these four women that have ruled my life with and without my awareness:

1. When you forget your Personal Legend (The Alchemist), that one thing you knew you were put on earth for since your earliest recollection, that one thing that makes you feel whole, you forget yourself. It becomes buried in fear and excuses and digging it out can mean countless loss the more piled up these fears and excuses become.

2. A goddess can show up in many ways without you realizing it. For me, I wanted Hestia to show up a certain way. Each time I get a little closer to realizing that hope it slips further away from my grasp. So redefining that image in your mind can help you feel complete. For me, my home is warm by my own fire. I can invite as few or as many people into my home and make them feel as warm, loved and accepted as possible each time, as little or as often as I'd like without compromising myself.

3. Venus loves love and so do I. Sometimes the love that is most demonstrated for us is by people we least expect it from. What a powerful lesson in detachment from expectations from those we say we love most! Why do the greatest loves come with the greatest expectations? Love ought not be heavy. Love is restorative and regenerates. It may not always look like you hope it could but the less you hang on to that particular expectation the more abundant varieties of love come pouring in. Virtuous, compassionate and accepting love.

4. Only when you can truly commit to yourself, what it is you know you need to be doing and making your well-being a priority, only then will others who treat themselves with the same dignity want to spend time with you. 

5. Be courageous. Risk losing what you fear losing the most. Release attachment to your ideas of how things "should" be or look and celebrate what they are. When you embody all of your archetypal, goddess-like strengths you will be and feel unstoppable and any set backs will feel that much more temporary.

6. NO ONE CAN TAKE ANYTHING FROM YOU THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE!

Become your own god damn goddess!!

Follow Your Rage - Own Your Place in this World

I've recently realized that following your passion can leave you bewildered and overwhelmed when you have so many. The heart pounds with passion but it also pounds with fury. I'm going to follow my anger - my passionate anger. What pisses me off the most? What do I want to change more than anything? Knowing the answer to those questions makes my direction clearer than any of the 'love and light', 'what are your gifts and talents?', 'what types of things show up in sessions', and all the other warm and fuzzy suggestions I've received from well-intended individuals. Sometimes love is fierce and fueled by a deep anger that has been growing as you observe your own and other people's complacency, denial and avoidance. Today is the day to say 'NO MORE'.

When I hear women complain about a patriarchal society (or anything else that appears patriarchal) I can't help but think of how many ways women accept roles that encourage patriarchy and then they complain about men having trouble committing or being "man enough"... whatever that means. If patriarchy makes you angry then stop trying to assume the roles of men! That does NOT make a woman equal, it makes her a conformist. If you don't want to be in a patriarchal relationship then don't expect a man to "take care of you" as though you are beneath him, financially, emotionally, psychology or any of the other "_______ly's". Gender equality is about an equal exchange of support, love and appreciation. You take care of one another equally.

 I will never settle for any relationship where I am not held accountable. To be my best possible me I need people in my life that call me on my sh*t. THAT is what shows me they love me, they don't want to be "above" me or "below" me, they want to work WITH me. Relationships that are symbiotic and beneficial for both parties with healthy boundaries and clear communication are for me.

A woman's contributions to society have the privilege of morphing significantly depending on her age, whether or not she has had children and how she wants to show up in the world. As the wonderful article I posted below reminds us, women of a certain age need to be more nurturing as they raise children but how can we use any dissatisfaction in our lives at any age to fuel us and remind loving nurturers? It is possible!

STOP neglecting yourself under the guise of having to take care of other people first. Practice what you preach, show people what it means to be empowered by taking care of yourself. Martyrdom based on self-neglect and perpetuating your own victimhood has no place in anyone's life anymore. See the healer in everyone, including your children and help others learn how to heal themselves. STOP basing your self-worth on other people's pain and drama. SHOW them the light they struggle to find, hold it for them when they are tired but don't ever, EVER take it from them or assume you are the only person that can help them with their light. Allow others to embrace what pains them, makes them angry and show them how to channel that into something powerful. And please, do not allow anything outside of yourself make you question your value. Accept challenges and allow them to peel away more layers of unnecessary fears.

Now is the time for me to crack myself open without fear and surround myself with people who are willing to do the same. Now is the time to love the things that piss me off because those are the things that show me where I can make a difference. I feel that part of my value is based on my ability to love myself and others and when I'm angry it's because I see where love is lacking, either for self or others.

Complacency, denial, victimhood, complaining, avoidance and unhealthy relationships, thoughts and behaviors are all unhealthy fear based patterns that hold us back and are cowardly excuses to not step up and make a difference. Are your desires based on what things piss you off and what you KNOW you can do to change it? Or are your desires based on avoiding truly connecting with yourself or others creating faux relationships and feeding addictive patterns? I believe anyone who is honest about the answer already knows their worth and doesn't need me to say anymore.

If you want to feel as fired up as I do, read: Rising Into The Storm: Women Who Burst Open with Age.

Sit in the Uncomfortableness

Looks uncomfortable...by ~Havoc-elite

In one of our final classes for Life Coaching certification we practiced a powerful exercise around helping a client through getting an apology from someone from their past who isn't willing or able to give them the apology the client needs. This exercise was more powerful than I could have imagined and I could understand why it would be necessary for anyone feeling stuck in life. It was surprisingly simple and required little to no detail from the client in order to facilitate the process which was also a pleasant surprise, (not everyone wants to share details).

When we started the exercise we began simply by facing our surrogate (the Coach) and "client" and we were given very few details about how the process would go so after the first portion my partner and I kind of looked at each other like, "What now?" and as I started to ask the instructor the question he stopped me and said, "Just sit in the uncomfortableness, Micah." My internal dialogue was racing because I understood the power of those words and what his intention was when he spoke them and also could hear in my mind how I would rationalize my reason for asking so as to not look foolish.

Ever since that moment I have heard my instructor's voice booming in my head like the voice of God in any and every possible situation that could be uncomfortable for me but necessary for a healing process and I have decided that I may hear his voice in my head in these types of situations for the rest of my life.

This has had me thinking about how much time and energy we spend in avoiding pain and discomfort which is interesting because if we just faced our pain, owned why we were feeling it, took responsibility in our role in it and made the conscious decision to determine how much we were willing to suffer over it, then we would spend less time in pain or discomfort than we do avoiding it. To explain what I mean, let me give you two examples that pop into my head right away:

1. Avoiding Love - I have done video blogs and posted them with blogs on my website about Love Avoidants and how Love Addicts can occasionally behave like a Love Avoidant and as a recovering Love Addict I feel baffled at how much time and energy goes into wanting love but being so afraid of it you push love away once you find it as if it will hurt less for it to end sooner over and over and over again as opposed to diving in and truly exploring what love really is, what it truly feels like, and all the yummy goodness that goes with committing to one person for a while along with what we are willing to live with and compromise when committed to someone else. 

Relationships aren't always pretty but it is in the uncomfortable and painful moments when we have the opportunity to truly connect with another person even more or have any questions about your love (or relationship) answered. Those tough moments prove what a person is truly made of; it's in these moments that we are most raw and exposed and it may not always be pretty but what comes from it can be more beautiful than anything we would've previously imagined, even if it's as simple as a stronger sense of self.

    2. Going to the Doctor - Can you imagine how less frequently people would go to the doctor if they went to the root of why they were feeling the way they felt? Don't get me wrong, I believe that going to the doctor is critical in many circumstances but the more I have learned practiced, and experienced complimentary / alternative medicine the better I feel. I feel more confident, my health is improving, I'm more clear about who I am and what I have to offer and I see countless examples of other people taking responsibility for their health and lives every single day.

Pain in our body is like a weed in our garden, we can trim it, spray it, do whatever we want to in order to avoid looking at these unsightly weeds but without getting to the root the weed will just keep finding other ways to grow. Pain in our body that gets ignored, avoided, buried and covered up will just move to another spot or grow even bigger. When we don't process our emotions, (including pain), in a healthy way it gets stored in our body and stays there until it becomes chronic or even a dis/ease like a heart condition or cancer.

We spend so much time and energy trying to control the outcomes of any given situation that we forget we have more control over ourselves and how we feel than anything else there is and when we ignore that we surrender any and all of our control to circumstances and pain whether it's real, imagined, past, or future. So I ask you, what is more difficult, sitting in the uncomfortableness of pain when it first shows up, being present with it and even asking for help facing it and moving through it at your own pace? Or avoiding it and allowing it to build up until it becomes a regret or a dis/ease?

When Patterns Become Clear

Patternsby ~Kaeldra-1

     In this moment I am becoming much more confident that I am going in the direction of my dreams. I am also becoming much more clear on what "grace unfolding" actually means and feels like. It's moments like this that inspired this blog because I am not the only person that goes through these feelings and experiences and it is in times like this we can feel most alone... I will explain...

     If you are following my YouTube channel or my Motion and Potion Relationships, Love, and Sex blogs you know that I have had the opportunity to recognize myself as a recovering Love Addict. As I sat in my Psychology of Addiction class and we discussed what different unhealthy family dynamics may look like including the addictive family type, (addiction shows up in many ways, not just in substances), I could see my entire life layed out so clearly like a complex and interweaving pattern and I understood even more the meaning behind Neo seeing the computer code in everything when he was in the Matrix.

     At first it was so exciting! I was excited to know that I recognized my unhealthy patterns and worked to break them and had gotten myself healthy, (as much as I knew how to at the time anyway, being healthy is a lifelong endeavor). I was excited to feel as though I have the opportunity for a fresh start and in understanding I was free! In seeing the ancestral pattern I knew that it would be my job to break it and teach my son the unhealthy patterns he witnessed growing up so maybe he won't have to struggle as much as so many other people do.

     Over the next few weeks however I began to realize the magnitude of the responsibility I have in not only recognizing and changing patterns of behavior that have been literally ingrained in my DNA but start from scratch with a completely clean slate. I had the awareness and power to rewrite the code but realized I had never written code before!

     Now for someone who has gone through Love Addiction and has inadvertently been defined by their relationships and careers try to imagine how frightening this realization is when it means that you have to reframe old patterns, create new and hopefully fresher patterns and do this all by yourself. As this pressure closed in on me my sleeping dreams became more vivid and reminded me of all of the people from my past that I would normally go to in order to work through something this daunting with which made me feel even more alone. So not only do I have to face changing multiple life time's worth of behavior patterns but I have to do it alone in order to not fall back into old behavior patterns that hurt not only me but the people I loved the most. Granted, it is an act of love for me to take this journey alone and not rely on others to carry me through it but that doesn't seem to make it less frightening.

     Last night I went through my own coaching session and realized that I have not been giving myself enough credit for all the work and changes I have already made on myself and in my life. I have spent a lot of time measuring my success more on what I don't have instead of what I do have. Consciously I see and can preach about the obviousness of the problem in this but on a deeper and more unconscious level I still struggle with this. TA-DA!! A new pattern emerges!! As if I didn't already have my work cut out for me, right? I also realized that in my distraction with my own stuff I began to have a convoluted way of demonstrating how much I appreciate having a man in my life willing to work outside in the Phoenix heat from sun up to sun down building his own business and supporting us both financially. My fears of not demonstrating to him how much that means to me have only made things more challenging on our relationship, not easier and once I let go of trying to prove something to me, him, or anyone else along with my idea of what that is supposed to look like and just listened to him tell me what he wants and needs from me and accept it everything was fine. Apparently being an overachiever in a relationship isn't healthy either... Who would've thunk it?!

     Thank goodness for coaching! Coaches need to be coached too! Like anyone else, we have things we need to continue to recognize, learn and grow from. It's part of practicing what we preach. No one has all the answers except YOU. That's right, we all have all the answers we need inside of us and sometimes we just need a little coaching to help dig through the crap and confusion and get straight to it. Life goes so much smoother when we give up excuses and rationalizations and just accept what we know to be true but boy oh boy is it a lot of commitment and work!

My Mother's Day Lesson - Being away from my son doesn't make me less of a mother

My son and I in 2006

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent." ~ Erich Fromm

Mother's Day has developed an entirely new meaning for me since leaving the family I had known for 14 years in 2009 for the third and final time. I knew that when I left that life to start a new one it was going to be difficult but I no longer had a choice; I was doing what I needed to do in order to save my life and subsequently my son's life to some degree. Little did I know that the moment I made that decision the universe would begin to conspire to make the death of my former life absolute and complete.

The most challenging trial I have had to endure was not homelessness or losing any kind of income and going to bed hungry, the most challenging trial was losing time with my child. Although my decision to leave his father was a very necessary one I made sure to sever our ties as completely as possible which meant no financial support so when I lost my job in 2010 I lost everything and my teenage son began to see less and less of me.

For the past three years of being unemployed I have remained tormented with the pain of being forced away from my son by circumstance. Although I remain beyond grateful for his father taking such good care of our son I have beat myself up for what feels as though I was abandoning this little person I was once inseparable from. For 12 years my son and I did everything together when I wasn't at work and he wasn't at school, our bond was a very strong and close one and then, after a year in my own place and sharing equal parenting time with his father it was all ripped away from me and I was left devastated and feeling lost and alone.

Recently I got a phone call from my now 16 year old and as our conversation ended he thanked me and told me that he feels like he can come to me with any problem or concern, he trusts me with virtually anything. In that moment I was overcome with emotion and I realized that even though my physical presence with my son is limited my influence and value as a mother are not. I have a teenage boy who texts me, is comfortable expressing his affection for the people in his life he cares for, and has learned to reason and analyze the things in life that matter most in order to have a deeper understanding of himself and his place in the world around him. I have a son who, despite any personal struggle remembers how to love and communicate appropriately depending on the circumstance.

My son's father and I may not have been a healthy couple when we were married but we have always respected one another as parents and that never changed neither during or after the divorce. Our efforts show in the young man we are both so proud of and for that I'm grateful. With all my worries and concerns over the past few years I was still a mother and the lessons I have been learning he has been learning also. My experiences and how different they are from his father's experiences have given my child a depth of wisdom and I can only hope that his struggles don't have to be as extreme as mine have been because of it; but if they are, I have no doubt he will learn and become an even better person when faced with trials.

This has taught me that even when we aren't near our children and parenting them as closely as we would like, that doesn't mean our influence and very being isn't playing a role in our child's development. We are allowed to experience hardship for a reason and finding that reason may be a challenge but it's always there and sometimes it's less about us and our pain and suffering and more about someone close to us who's watching, like our children. I worked hard at being a good example and respecting my son's father even if we didn't work as a married couple. I took responsibility for my role when things didn't work out then and now, I take my lessons and I keep moving forward. Every decision I make every single day affects my son and just knowing that and holding it makes me a good mother and the validation is in the sweet messages and phone calls I get from him.

So to all of you parents out there who are missing your children and to those children who are missing a parent today I want to wish you a very special and happy Mother's Day. To the parent, don't believe for a second that your presence on this earth isn't valuable to your child, value isn't measured in the quantity of time you spend with your child but the quality and willingness to be there for them when they need you, even if it's just a phone call. And to those children missing a parent today, trust me, they miss you too, even if they have a not-so-funny way of showing it, your very existence is evidence of great love.

Lessons Offered in a Bus Ride

My Grandma Loved Motorcycles!

 A petite elderly woman boarded the bus today and for a split second I saw my grandmother. All I could really make out were soft but distinct lines around her mouth because just like my grandmother she was slightly hunched over, most likely from Osteoporosis, and she too took great care in protecting herself from the sun with sunglasses, a small straw hat, an ankle length loose fitted gray skirt, and a long sleeved teal top.

As the woman sat carefully in front of me I felt as though my grandmother had sat down in front of me; I was a little girl again and I was staring at her in wonder of her ability to always channel strength in the face of hardships. I remembered watching her, waiting for her to break out in giggles over pretty much anything; her face would squish up and she would have a soft cackle when she laughed which was often. No matter what was happening she always kept her sense of humor and even when she was angry she was controlled and smart about it. I felt a wave of emotion wash over me as the old woman on the bus got up to sit next to me at the next stop. Was it my grandmother's way of letting me know she still has my back? Or was it God's way of reminding me that I have her gumption and moxie? Or maybe both?

Grandma trying not to giggle when she saw me taking a picture of us this way. It was a new idea for her. :)

 I got off the bus and just as I began to cross the street at the crosswalk a woman in a Mercedes slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting me after turning a corner too fast. This of course startled me as I looked at the car and only saw the desert sun bouncing off her windshield straight into my eyes. As I looked away from the car to keep walking I realized I was laughing. I wasn't hysterical of course but I had a dismissive laugh with a dash of disbelief. I could look at this two ways, either the universe isn't done testing my resolve after taking so much from me or it is reminding me of the things that aren't happening to me, things can always be worse, I know this for a fact. Regardless of which perspective I chose I felt it was a fairly clear reminder of how my sense of humor has kept me going and I'm thankful to my grandmother most of all for that.

The point of this story is twofold:

First, I wonder how much our perspectives impact everything in our lives. I know we are told that our thoughts shape our world and science is proving this to be true but how often do we take the time to really  look at that possibility in our own life? Is that why I need to be taking a bus for now? Because taking a bus and walking really forces you to see things at a real and micro level and you notice and learn things you normally wouldn't.

Second, my biggest concern is my attitude regarding how many hardships have befallen me over the past few years. When my hard drive crashed the other day I was angry but I was almost more angry at how little it seemed to affect me. I have experienced so much hardship that one more thing that would have devastated me a year ago barely got to me. Is this because I'm getting comfortable with loss and hardship? Because that is something I REALLY don't want to get comfortable with. OR is it because I know that whatever happens I'm going to keep going? Is my perspective being tested? Is that why my treasured grandmother visited me today? To offer her moxie?

Food for thought, I suppose.