Follow Your Rage - Own Your Place in this World

I've recently realized that following your passion can leave you bewildered and overwhelmed when you have so many. The heart pounds with passion but it also pounds with fury. I'm going to follow my anger - my passionate anger. What pisses me off the most? What do I want to change more than anything? Knowing the answer to those questions makes my direction clearer than any of the 'love and light', 'what are your gifts and talents?', 'what types of things show up in sessions', and all the other warm and fuzzy suggestions I've received from well-intended individuals. Sometimes love is fierce and fueled by a deep anger that has been growing as you observe your own and other people's complacency, denial and avoidance. Today is the day to say 'NO MORE'.

When I hear women complain about a patriarchal society (or anything else that appears patriarchal) I can't help but think of how many ways women accept roles that encourage patriarchy and then they complain about men having trouble committing or being "man enough"... whatever that means. If patriarchy makes you angry then stop trying to assume the roles of men! That does NOT make a woman equal, it makes her a conformist. If you don't want to be in a patriarchal relationship then don't expect a man to "take care of you" as though you are beneath him, financially, emotionally, psychology or any of the other "_______ly's". Gender equality is about an equal exchange of support, love and appreciation. You take care of one another equally.

 I will never settle for any relationship where I am not held accountable. To be my best possible me I need people in my life that call me on my sh*t. THAT is what shows me they love me, they don't want to be "above" me or "below" me, they want to work WITH me. Relationships that are symbiotic and beneficial for both parties with healthy boundaries and clear communication are for me.

A woman's contributions to society have the privilege of morphing significantly depending on her age, whether or not she has had children and how she wants to show up in the world. As the wonderful article I posted below reminds us, women of a certain age need to be more nurturing as they raise children but how can we use any dissatisfaction in our lives at any age to fuel us and remind loving nurturers? It is possible!

STOP neglecting yourself under the guise of having to take care of other people first. Practice what you preach, show people what it means to be empowered by taking care of yourself. Martyrdom based on self-neglect and perpetuating your own victimhood has no place in anyone's life anymore. See the healer in everyone, including your children and help others learn how to heal themselves. STOP basing your self-worth on other people's pain and drama. SHOW them the light they struggle to find, hold it for them when they are tired but don't ever, EVER take it from them or assume you are the only person that can help them with their light. Allow others to embrace what pains them, makes them angry and show them how to channel that into something powerful. And please, do not allow anything outside of yourself make you question your value. Accept challenges and allow them to peel away more layers of unnecessary fears.

Now is the time for me to crack myself open without fear and surround myself with people who are willing to do the same. Now is the time to love the things that piss me off because those are the things that show me where I can make a difference. I feel that part of my value is based on my ability to love myself and others and when I'm angry it's because I see where love is lacking, either for self or others.

Complacency, denial, victimhood, complaining, avoidance and unhealthy relationships, thoughts and behaviors are all unhealthy fear based patterns that hold us back and are cowardly excuses to not step up and make a difference. Are your desires based on what things piss you off and what you KNOW you can do to change it? Or are your desires based on avoiding truly connecting with yourself or others creating faux relationships and feeding addictive patterns? I believe anyone who is honest about the answer already knows their worth and doesn't need me to say anymore.

If you want to feel as fired up as I do, read: Rising Into The Storm: Women Who Burst Open with Age.

Sins of a Mother - What Instagram Doesn't Show You

http://www.elinorcarucci.com/mother - *Nudity

The article on Elephant Journal, Motherhood Uncensored: What We Don't See on Instagram had me thinking about my time as a young mother and as I looked at the uncensored, artistic and raw photos of Elinor Carucci and her family I felt remorse, guilt and even some shame for a number of reasons. I will share two.

First - I was reminded of a discussion that took place on Facebook regarding women being allowed to have the same right to go shirtless as men. I was not part of this discussion, it was actually something my partner had showed me when he decided to defend his friend for her beliefs. His friend is currently a breastfeeding mother who has other children to take care of, (from my understanding anyway). This woman was attacked by many who claim to be religious, god-loving people who would preach about not judging others in one sentence as they judged her for her beliefs and very honest and raw feelings as a mother. My partner reminded those people that the only reason this is even an issue is because our culture has overly sexualized women's breasts and their value as something erotic has surpassed their value as life sustaining and nurturing gifts that only women have the privilege of choosing to experience - or not (in so many words anyway). I immediately imagined a woman having an orgasm strictly through nipple stimulation eons ago and she was meant to feel shamed for it and it quickly became something shameful for a woman while it simultaneously became, for a man preaching wholesomeness and purity, something to secretly long to experience; kind of like early day porn. Of course, this is all just me and my overactive imagination but still, you have to wonder.

If boobies make you uncomfortable, if realness of life in it's purest and rawest forms makes you uncomfortable or if you fear you may twist these images into something sexual, then please save everyone the trouble and don't view them. Read the Elephant Journal version to feel safe. If you want to experience a glimpse into the realness of motherhood and can observe without offense or judgement - including observing your own reaction physically, psychologically, spiritually or emotionally - then click and learn.

Second - As you may have surmised from the first point, society in general (including myself) made me feel remorse, guilt and some shame. Then those feelings hit closer to home as I viewed images of frustration and exhaustion in the mother's face. I only had one son and I have regretted my role as a mother almost his entire life. This is not fair to him or to me but I find myself reflecting often on how unprepared I was to be a mother at such a young age. I had not known life, I did not know how to be married and I especially didn't know how to be ME. I am often flooded with memories of moments that where wrapped in opportunity to connect with my son more, to learn how to be interested in his interests, to help him feel like he mattered to me as much as he really did.

It's so hard to remove one's self from the personal drama and connect with your children when anything in your life is riddled with the bullets of poverty, abuse, trauma, neglect or everyday stresses we bring home creating trauma, and then you realize that your inability to know how to change it only delivers the same toxic bullets to your children. Even now that he's a young man, whenever I see him I can FEEL my old feelings when I was with his father and he was so young and I have to consciously remind myself to be present; present in time and present in mindfulness with my son. I look at these images and the time I have with my son now as an opportunity to not change what's done but to start a new chapter and make new and healthier memories.

Social Media doesn't always share the realness of life, more the idyllic version of life, almost like an online vision board whose reality we feel close to reaching with every post.

What about you? Anything you feel compelled to express when reading the article or viewing the images?

My Mother's Day Lesson - Being away from my son doesn't make me less of a mother

My son and I in 2006

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent." ~ Erich Fromm

Mother's Day has developed an entirely new meaning for me since leaving the family I had known for 14 years in 2009 for the third and final time. I knew that when I left that life to start a new one it was going to be difficult but I no longer had a choice; I was doing what I needed to do in order to save my life and subsequently my son's life to some degree. Little did I know that the moment I made that decision the universe would begin to conspire to make the death of my former life absolute and complete.

The most challenging trial I have had to endure was not homelessness or losing any kind of income and going to bed hungry, the most challenging trial was losing time with my child. Although my decision to leave his father was a very necessary one I made sure to sever our ties as completely as possible which meant no financial support so when I lost my job in 2010 I lost everything and my teenage son began to see less and less of me.

For the past three years of being unemployed I have remained tormented with the pain of being forced away from my son by circumstance. Although I remain beyond grateful for his father taking such good care of our son I have beat myself up for what feels as though I was abandoning this little person I was once inseparable from. For 12 years my son and I did everything together when I wasn't at work and he wasn't at school, our bond was a very strong and close one and then, after a year in my own place and sharing equal parenting time with his father it was all ripped away from me and I was left devastated and feeling lost and alone.

Recently I got a phone call from my now 16 year old and as our conversation ended he thanked me and told me that he feels like he can come to me with any problem or concern, he trusts me with virtually anything. In that moment I was overcome with emotion and I realized that even though my physical presence with my son is limited my influence and value as a mother are not. I have a teenage boy who texts me, is comfortable expressing his affection for the people in his life he cares for, and has learned to reason and analyze the things in life that matter most in order to have a deeper understanding of himself and his place in the world around him. I have a son who, despite any personal struggle remembers how to love and communicate appropriately depending on the circumstance.

My son's father and I may not have been a healthy couple when we were married but we have always respected one another as parents and that never changed neither during or after the divorce. Our efforts show in the young man we are both so proud of and for that I'm grateful. With all my worries and concerns over the past few years I was still a mother and the lessons I have been learning he has been learning also. My experiences and how different they are from his father's experiences have given my child a depth of wisdom and I can only hope that his struggles don't have to be as extreme as mine have been because of it; but if they are, I have no doubt he will learn and become an even better person when faced with trials.

This has taught me that even when we aren't near our children and parenting them as closely as we would like, that doesn't mean our influence and very being isn't playing a role in our child's development. We are allowed to experience hardship for a reason and finding that reason may be a challenge but it's always there and sometimes it's less about us and our pain and suffering and more about someone close to us who's watching, like our children. I worked hard at being a good example and respecting my son's father even if we didn't work as a married couple. I took responsibility for my role when things didn't work out then and now, I take my lessons and I keep moving forward. Every decision I make every single day affects my son and just knowing that and holding it makes me a good mother and the validation is in the sweet messages and phone calls I get from him.

So to all of you parents out there who are missing your children and to those children who are missing a parent today I want to wish you a very special and happy Mother's Day. To the parent, don't believe for a second that your presence on this earth isn't valuable to your child, value isn't measured in the quantity of time you spend with your child but the quality and willingness to be there for them when they need you, even if it's just a phone call. And to those children missing a parent today, trust me, they miss you too, even if they have a not-so-funny way of showing it, your very existence is evidence of great love.