Being Your Job

Simon Sinek helped change my attitude. Here's how:

When I was at my steady job last night there was one particular hour that got exceptionally busy. The top of each hour and sometimes the half hour are called 'flips' because this is when all the rooms can potentially open as one massage ends and another massage is being prepped to begin. However many rooms a clinic has means that many clients coming out as the same amount are simultaneously going in. Managing the flow of this time is critical to for the most therapeutic experience to every guest and I take it very seriously. One client took notice and as I juggled multiple clients and directed them to their appropriate therapists while answering questions from all fronts this client pointed out how amazed he was at how I was handling everything that was happening in what was really a matter of seconds.

The next hour came and this same client checked out with me and brought to my attention again how amazed he was at how I had handled the influx of client and therapist dilemmas, navigated significant concerns and made each person feel valued, even if I had to let them know they would get my undivided attention as soon as I helped clients and therapists connect. Everything was chaotically smooth. I thanked the client for noticing and I lightly passed it off something I learned to do early since I had worked in medical my entire life and since I started working after school at 14 in a medical office I thrived in environments that require quick-thinking, triage skills and optimum client and patient care.

This morning I woke up still thinking about this client and how he was so impressed watching me that he mentioned AFTER his hour session went by. This means he was thinking about it during a session for HIM. Then I signed in to Facebook to see this video in my Facebook feed by Simon Sinek addressing the quote I took a screen shot of and shared above. I remember when he shared this quote and I remembered feeling defensive but something shifted in me regardless and after listening to his idealistic explanation I figured it out...

If you don't love your jobA little video to comment on the quote I posted last week - “If you don’t plan on doing your job forever, than why are you doing it now?"

After this quote I chose to step into my role at work in a more grateful way. Instead of resenting the fact that I no longer made what I did before the economy crashed I am grateful I have a job and a manager that cares about being a leader so I decided to ask him for more coaching and as a true leader he jumped at the chance. My sales numbers have been higher than they've been since I've worked there for 2.5 years. I enjoy BEing at work every day and after watching this video I realized it's because this quote helped me realize that I have the choice to BE who I am wherever I work.

My goal is to work with all sizes of companies to be available help any employee going through various types of crisis, ideally as part of a Wellness Program the company plans on creating or has already. My manager has even made comments that he knows when I show up to work because he hears the conversations shift to asking for guidance on a significant dilemma someone is going through. From Millennials to Baby Boomers my co-workers all see me the same and refer to time with me as "therapy". My co-workers can truly 'show up' to do their work once they've had the opportunity to process something painful they are going through or get a fresh perspective on a frustration they have from work or not. They feel a sense of calm and peace after visiting with me for a few minutes and then we step into our assigned roles and everyone's numbers improve and the bottom line does too. When I work at different clinics I get messages asking when I will be back to their clinic because they miss me.

You see, as I decided to own where I'm at right now with a sense of gratitude and seeing it as an opportunity to become better at whatever it was I needed to be 'better' at, I began working on my dream in the process. Working on my ultimate goal has shifted my mentality so significantly that I am clear not only on what I want to do with the rest of my life but how I am able to start TODAY. The client noticing that I thrive in high pressure, that I can remain grounded in a crisis and remain incredibly focused and efficient in chaos and make sure that every single person I interact with leaves feeling heard, validated, and cared for only solidified that. Even if, on the outside - my title - isn't the job I plan on doing forever, HOW I do my job, being consistent in WHO I am when I'm at work or not, and WHY I show up the way I do every single day means that ultimately I AM doing what I plan on doing the rest of my life.

The Goddess in You

Micah - Goddess Photoshoot by SeguraPhotos

Today is September 6, 2015, the day that Venus begins to go direct (it will remain in shadow until October 9th) and coincidentally it's also World Goddess Day. I'm not sure how seriously I would normally take this but today I feel as if someone is screaming at me and I can't hear them. Is it my Higher Self? Is it God? I believe we have aspects of all of these archetypes within us. I relate more to the Goddess archetypes so I created this blog as a sort of exercise for others; a way to step outside of ourselves as observers without attachment to see how we would interpret our current situations, feelings, relationships and goals and what perspective we would offer ourselves through each unique filter.

These are four that help, hinder and haunt me. What they have taught me so far is at the end. If you try this exercise, please share any insights in the comments!

Venus of Urbino by Titian - 1538

Aphrodite (Roman name: Venus) - Goddess of Love, Beauty and Regeneration - protector of sailors. Her and I have had a love / hate relationship for a very long time. As Venus was retrograde many relationships were challenged and a lot of people ended relationships or did things in order to explore love and where they fit in the universal dance that they never imagined themselves doing. The greater the surprises were the more disconnected we were from recognizing how we have been showing up in our relationships, how our love expressions may have been off balance and how open we are to having healthy relationships (in general) with healthy boundaries with like-minded individuals. Whatever we have been avoiding, we have been forced to face. Now what do we do with that?

I have a love / hate relationship with this goddess because on one hand it feels wonderful and powerful to embrace our beauty (internally and externally), to have it recognized, valued, appreciated. It also feels wonderful to be in love but the act of love - doing love - can become a challenge. Words and actions can fail to match up. Expectations increase as do disappointments and resentments. The longing to be accepted for who you are and for exactly where you happen to be, all while being emotionally and spiritually encouraged and supported as you strive to be a better you becomes more and more elusive. It seems the more elusive a thing is the greater the desire for it and the further we push it away.

Athena statue at Parthenos

Athena (Roman name: Minerva) who for years I related to most. Goddess of Wisdom she was skilled in the art of war and negotiation. She was just and always sought peace. She was also Zeus' favorite.

Athena was with me when I did the goddess photoshoot the day after my Grandmother passed away. I felt the strength of this woman who had always faced every perceivable tragedy with a wisdom and soft giggle that could quickly ease the greatest of fears. Athena has been with me as I struggled to find a home to live in, I committed to being the first person in my family to complete a degree against all odds and as I fell in love again after a painful marriage. The shadow was probably becoming overly focused on survival and just getting through each day to the point of closing myself off from my true self, those I loved and others.

Athena and her wisdom are part of who I am but I lose myself and my ability to connect with others when I become overly ruled by my head and my ideals. In her wisdom I believe she is inviting me to connect with the other goddesses now in order to become my own version of a goddess.

Hestia

Hestia (Roman name: Vesta) - The gentlest of the gods she was the goddess of the hearth. Without realizing it I have longed to embody this goddess the most since I was a little girl. In the book, The Alchemist it is referred to as a "Personal Legend". This quiet and gentle goddess finds the greatest value in a warm fireplace that loved ones can gather around and warm their bodies, hearts, minds and spirits. Embodying being-ness and healthy connectedness, this is who I have most longed to be deep down but my excitable nature begins to get distracted by the gifts of the other goddesses instead of embodying all of them simultaneously. This is why the archetype of Hestia continues to elude me.

Hera campana

Hera (Roman name: Juno) - Goddess of Marriage and Queen of the Gods with a serious jealous streak. I have known this archetype. I have known justified jealousy but have known great restraint in these moments (thank you, Athena). I was far from a goddess when married. I did not honor myself and therefore could not honor my household.

Micah - Goddess Shoot by Segura Photos

There are more goddesses and I encourage you to look them up to research them as archetypes, possibly meditate on the ones that resonate with you the most; even use them when creating visualizations or scripts for healing sessions. Here's what I have taken away from my meditations on these four women that have ruled my life with and without my awareness:

1. When you forget your Personal Legend (The Alchemist), that one thing you knew you were put on earth for since your earliest recollection, that one thing that makes you feel whole, you forget yourself. It becomes buried in fear and excuses and digging it out can mean countless loss the more piled up these fears and excuses become.

2. A goddess can show up in many ways without you realizing it. For me, I wanted Hestia to show up a certain way. Each time I get a little closer to realizing that hope it slips further away from my grasp. So redefining that image in your mind can help you feel complete. For me, my home is warm by my own fire. I can invite as few or as many people into my home and make them feel as warm, loved and accepted as possible each time, as little or as often as I'd like without compromising myself.

3. Venus loves love and so do I. Sometimes the love that is most demonstrated for us is by people we least expect it from. What a powerful lesson in detachment from expectations from those we say we love most! Why do the greatest loves come with the greatest expectations? Love ought not be heavy. Love is restorative and regenerates. It may not always look like you hope it could but the less you hang on to that particular expectation the more abundant varieties of love come pouring in. Virtuous, compassionate and accepting love.

4. Only when you can truly commit to yourself, what it is you know you need to be doing and making your well-being a priority, only then will others who treat themselves with the same dignity want to spend time with you. 

5. Be courageous. Risk losing what you fear losing the most. Release attachment to your ideas of how things "should" be or look and celebrate what they are. When you embody all of your archetypal, goddess-like strengths you will be and feel unstoppable and any set backs will feel that much more temporary.

6. NO ONE CAN TAKE ANYTHING FROM YOU THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE!

Become your own god damn goddess!!

Pursuit of Self-Acceptance

"When I accept myself, I am freed of the burden of needing you to accept me." 

~ Dr. Steve Maraboli

When we journey into ourselves for whatever reason, to improve our health, wellness, spirituality or for greater understanding and empathy for ourselves and others we begin to reference a lot of interactions with other people as mirroring. It can help us learn and grow when we ponder people or circumstances that seem to make us feel something extreme. The idea that if we see what is being reflected at us that makes us feel triggered in some way, (regardless of whether we perceive it as "good" or "bad"), often causes us to believe or feel that we can find resolution around something within our selves that we may be suppressing, denying, battling, or even allowing to control us (patterns). Often times this also comes up when we feel a deep connection or resonance with someone else and what intrigues us about them is quite possibly something we want to delve deeper into within ourselves so we choose to invest in this other person on some level because we see them almost as a means to our own greater and deeper wisdom and quite possibly a deeper sense of self-acceptance. It can be easy to forget that something familiar in someone else doesn't necessarily equate to a healthy relationship, regardless of the type of relationship. Sometimes familiar is an unhealthy pattern we can relate to and have related back to us. Two unhealthy patterns joining rarely grow into healthier patterns.

The process of self-discovery is a seductive one and we can become so enamored with it that it becomes more of a cycle and less of what its original intention was when we decided to begin the journey. In one of my Cranial Sacral therapy classes a couple of my instructors would remind us, almost as a way of preparing and cautioning us, that people can become addicted to their own process. This is profoundly real. We can strive so hard and develop such an intense longing to accept ourselves that we pursue anything that reflects something in us that we want to explore no matter how much awareness we already have around it. We become seduced by our reflection in others and begin to rely so heavily on what we see in someone else's eyes - even spirit or sense of self - that we begin to lose ourselves in them (if only for a moment or long-term). This, I believe, is the 'burden' stated in the quote above. The burden is simply the amount of importance and value we place on others to reflect what we want to see (or feel), light or dark, good or bad, so we can explore ourselves from a safe distance and not really ever have to BE with ourselves. Instead we avoid our true selves further, distancing ourselves from our own ability to accept who we are without the attachment to defining this "thing" or experience as "good" or "bad", light or shadow; becoming distracted by the attachment of longing to define ourselves and find validation outside ourselves. Remaining a victim to the self-perpetuated cycle and drama of the ongoing search, ignoring what we already have.

To me, it's radical self-acceptance to see those reflections, feel those connections, notice the triggers and BE with them without becoming seduced, entranced and distracted by them because those moments are when we can be the least accepting of ourselves. It also means that we can see our desirable traits and our less desirable ones, our light and shadow, talents and challenges and witness them as they show up and dance with one another in our everyday life. We can sit as observers and at the end of each day we can note what things we want to enhance within ourselves and what opportunities we were shown to help us there. Then we can wake up each morning with a fresh intention and a rebirth, accepting ourselves free from the burden of wondering who we want (perceived need) to find to help us accept who we are as well as becoming free of the fear of what happens when we meet someone that intrigues or triggers us in a powerful way.

These interactions do have value but it's how desperate our longing to attach meaning (our identity) to them and how consumed we become by them that becomes more defining and even defeating as opposed to love and acceptance of self. Time invested in exploring ourselves through others compared to time alone - comfortable, without the need for distractions, entertainment or another person speaks volumes on your level of self-acceptance. No one else can give that to you. We don't need anyone's permission to accept who we are except permission from our selves. Do you give yourself permission to accept who you are today, right now in this moment? Are you willing to look in the proverbial mirror reflected in your interactions with others free of attachment to any specific outcome but merely as a witness, reflecting on what you observe when you make time to be alone at the end of the day?

What if we replaced the word "happiness" in the following quote to "self-acceptance"?

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Then perhaps you won't be one of the people Thoreau references when he says, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

When Caring Goes Bad

It's time for a Facebook and overall social media cleanse, my denial is over...

More than once this past week I have heard different people who care about me point out, (in person), that I have a habit of caring too much about what other people think. Now this has always been an issue with me having been raised to believe that everyone pays attention and everyone will notice if you screw up and no one cares when you're doing things right. I grew up in quite a paranoid environment and then I married into one and the cycle continued.

As I have been stripped of everything I once used to identify or label myself all of my old ideas and beliefs have been challenged and/or stripped away as well. I have suffered a lot of grief over this past summer as I grieved the person I once knew, a person formed by the opinions, threats, and guilt trips of others, and realized that I had to be all alone with myself which was quite frankly, a very horrifying thought mainly because I didn't know who that was... Actually, that's not true, I always have known but I have never EVER been given the opportunity to express it. Ok, that's a cop-out, I have never taken the opportunity to express it, not completely; not until 2009 when I left my marriage did I really begin to explore who I was apart from other people's ideas, beliefs, and expectations of me and force myself to live accordingly and subsequently I lost everything I could possibly use to form my identity including time with my child.

This week I saw my brother for the first time in a long while and was able to feel connected to my roots again, my original tribe, and it felt so good. It felt good to hear him speak about his passions and to have him listen to me about my frustrations with where I'm at in my process and how badly I want to be there for people going through similar challenges I have faced and as I poured my heart out he simply responded, (as though he was a Life Coach too), "It sounds to me that everything you're saying is what you need right now. You need to give yourself permission to grieve everything you've lost and every painful discovery you have made. You have permission from the people who matter but you need to give yourself permission." In that moment I felt as though a heavy and dark cloak was lifted from me and it was so simple I had over-thought it. I shared this story with my partner the next morning and he smiled and said, "You do have permission, honey... go ahead and cry now." Naturally he had to be a little smug about how supportive he is capable of being. But you know what? My mind finally slowed down.

Only over the past couple of days of just sitting with my grief, acknowledging it for what it is and giving myself permission to do so did I also realize that I have been in denial over how strongly I have held on to things that I shouldn't be hanging on to anymore. Most likely this has been out of fear of losing more in my life after being so angry for what has already been taken from me, (and yes, I realize things can always be worse but that doesn't make my or anyone else's emotions any less valid), so I have clung to things, people, experiences, etc. This fear has kept me distracted and avoidant, consumed with things that really don't have to matter that much.

I refuse to say that I'm letting go of what no longer "serves me" because I believe it is the height of arrogance to say any person, thing, or experience should ever SERVE ME; I literally feel pain in my gut when I hear that expression. I will say this however, there are things I have hung on to, activities, experiences and people that make me feel drained, the reasons are moot and I couldn't explain it completely if I tried but I don't have to. There are things, people, and activities that enhance our life or help us sustain it but we all have a choice as to what we choose to participate in and if something drains us, mind, body, or spirit, or we know there are people out there that don't really care for us, then why hang on to any of those things? Why fight and try to continue to matter or find meaning to a person, a job, or an experience that isn't willing to offer the same opportunity in return? Not that we are owed anything but there comes a point where we just keep spinning our wheels over something and for what?

I racked up quite the friend count on Facebook. I had two profiles for a while because I was paid to help people network online and build their social media presence. I don't do that anymore and the very thought of it makes me cringe. Now I have a Facebook account full of people I met only once and even a few people I don't know at all and I don't really know why anymore; isn't this what Fan Pages are for or LinkedIn? I have a Facebook Fan Page and if anyone was really interested in where my business is going to go or what I have to offer they would follow it, right? Other than that, I see no reason to hang on to online "friendships" that amount only to me "Liking" or commenting someone's posts or shares out of sincere appreciation or interest only to feel like crap that so many people don't seem to offer the same not only to me but to anyone else. And if this is making me feel as though I have to keep some kind of mental tally then how healthy can that possibly be for me?! I'm sure they don't think about it that hard... But the fact is, I do. I am not on Facebook as much as I used to be and I keep missing really meaningful things shared by people I talk to regularly, people who care about me as much as I care about them online or off. So for me, it's time to clean my online house. I'm heading in a completely different direction and I plan on walking my talk by staying connected to the people who make me feel connected and vice-versa. My "friend" collection that I selfishly accumulated will take a serious hit but it's time to be selfish in a much healthier way. I'm quite sure no one will really notice anyway. And yes, this is that big of a deal to me.

Finding the Laughter in Transformation

Natureby `RezzanAtakol

"Take hold of your own life. See that the whole existence is celebrating. These trees are not serious, these birds are not serious. The rivers and the oceans are wild, and everywhere there is fun, everywhere there is joy and delight. Watch existence, listen to the existence and become part of it." ~Osho

I thought this was a lovely reminder of acceptance. When going through a lot of change or transformation it can begin to feel like very serious business. A person can feel lost, stuck, confused, overwhelmed... the list goes on and on. It helps during times like these to take a pause and reflect on how far you've come, the changes you have successfully made in your life no matter how recent or distant they may have been.

We as humans are just like nature, we are a part of nature! And just like nature we experience transitions, deaths, birth and even rebirth. This is a necessary cycle to maintain balance and perpetuate growth and further life. When we see ourselves as part of a bigger picture and a greater purpose it helps us feel more alive and offers us a deeper sense of value.

I have experienced such deep levels of process, change, and transformation within myself and I begin to wonder who I am. No longer defining myself by my job or by relationships I have been left alone to discover who I am at the deepest levels which can be really scary. Once everything around you falls away and you dig deep within you can't help but wonder what it all means and what's next. These are the moments I remember my sense of humor. No matter how intense my process or feelings may be I always have a way of making me laugh and when I can laugh everything looks and feels so much smaller. If the core of who I am is wrapped up in laughter then what fun and exciting opportunities I have within me! That's a start, yes?

When Patterns Become Clear

Patternsby ~Kaeldra-1

     In this moment I am becoming much more confident that I am going in the direction of my dreams. I am also becoming much more clear on what "grace unfolding" actually means and feels like. It's moments like this that inspired this blog because I am not the only person that goes through these feelings and experiences and it is in times like this we can feel most alone... I will explain...

     If you are following my YouTube channel or my Motion and Potion Relationships, Love, and Sex blogs you know that I have had the opportunity to recognize myself as a recovering Love Addict. As I sat in my Psychology of Addiction class and we discussed what different unhealthy family dynamics may look like including the addictive family type, (addiction shows up in many ways, not just in substances), I could see my entire life layed out so clearly like a complex and interweaving pattern and I understood even more the meaning behind Neo seeing the computer code in everything when he was in the Matrix.

     At first it was so exciting! I was excited to know that I recognized my unhealthy patterns and worked to break them and had gotten myself healthy, (as much as I knew how to at the time anyway, being healthy is a lifelong endeavor). I was excited to feel as though I have the opportunity for a fresh start and in understanding I was free! In seeing the ancestral pattern I knew that it would be my job to break it and teach my son the unhealthy patterns he witnessed growing up so maybe he won't have to struggle as much as so many other people do.

     Over the next few weeks however I began to realize the magnitude of the responsibility I have in not only recognizing and changing patterns of behavior that have been literally ingrained in my DNA but start from scratch with a completely clean slate. I had the awareness and power to rewrite the code but realized I had never written code before!

     Now for someone who has gone through Love Addiction and has inadvertently been defined by their relationships and careers try to imagine how frightening this realization is when it means that you have to reframe old patterns, create new and hopefully fresher patterns and do this all by yourself. As this pressure closed in on me my sleeping dreams became more vivid and reminded me of all of the people from my past that I would normally go to in order to work through something this daunting with which made me feel even more alone. So not only do I have to face changing multiple life time's worth of behavior patterns but I have to do it alone in order to not fall back into old behavior patterns that hurt not only me but the people I loved the most. Granted, it is an act of love for me to take this journey alone and not rely on others to carry me through it but that doesn't seem to make it less frightening.

     Last night I went through my own coaching session and realized that I have not been giving myself enough credit for all the work and changes I have already made on myself and in my life. I have spent a lot of time measuring my success more on what I don't have instead of what I do have. Consciously I see and can preach about the obviousness of the problem in this but on a deeper and more unconscious level I still struggle with this. TA-DA!! A new pattern emerges!! As if I didn't already have my work cut out for me, right? I also realized that in my distraction with my own stuff I began to have a convoluted way of demonstrating how much I appreciate having a man in my life willing to work outside in the Phoenix heat from sun up to sun down building his own business and supporting us both financially. My fears of not demonstrating to him how much that means to me have only made things more challenging on our relationship, not easier and once I let go of trying to prove something to me, him, or anyone else along with my idea of what that is supposed to look like and just listened to him tell me what he wants and needs from me and accept it everything was fine. Apparently being an overachiever in a relationship isn't healthy either... Who would've thunk it?!

     Thank goodness for coaching! Coaches need to be coached too! Like anyone else, we have things we need to continue to recognize, learn and grow from. It's part of practicing what we preach. No one has all the answers except YOU. That's right, we all have all the answers we need inside of us and sometimes we just need a little coaching to help dig through the crap and confusion and get straight to it. Life goes so much smoother when we give up excuses and rationalizations and just accept what we know to be true but boy oh boy is it a lot of commitment and work!

My Mother's Day Lesson - Being away from my son doesn't make me less of a mother

My son and I in 2006

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent." ~ Erich Fromm

Mother's Day has developed an entirely new meaning for me since leaving the family I had known for 14 years in 2009 for the third and final time. I knew that when I left that life to start a new one it was going to be difficult but I no longer had a choice; I was doing what I needed to do in order to save my life and subsequently my son's life to some degree. Little did I know that the moment I made that decision the universe would begin to conspire to make the death of my former life absolute and complete.

The most challenging trial I have had to endure was not homelessness or losing any kind of income and going to bed hungry, the most challenging trial was losing time with my child. Although my decision to leave his father was a very necessary one I made sure to sever our ties as completely as possible which meant no financial support so when I lost my job in 2010 I lost everything and my teenage son began to see less and less of me.

For the past three years of being unemployed I have remained tormented with the pain of being forced away from my son by circumstance. Although I remain beyond grateful for his father taking such good care of our son I have beat myself up for what feels as though I was abandoning this little person I was once inseparable from. For 12 years my son and I did everything together when I wasn't at work and he wasn't at school, our bond was a very strong and close one and then, after a year in my own place and sharing equal parenting time with his father it was all ripped away from me and I was left devastated and feeling lost and alone.

Recently I got a phone call from my now 16 year old and as our conversation ended he thanked me and told me that he feels like he can come to me with any problem or concern, he trusts me with virtually anything. In that moment I was overcome with emotion and I realized that even though my physical presence with my son is limited my influence and value as a mother are not. I have a teenage boy who texts me, is comfortable expressing his affection for the people in his life he cares for, and has learned to reason and analyze the things in life that matter most in order to have a deeper understanding of himself and his place in the world around him. I have a son who, despite any personal struggle remembers how to love and communicate appropriately depending on the circumstance.

My son's father and I may not have been a healthy couple when we were married but we have always respected one another as parents and that never changed neither during or after the divorce. Our efforts show in the young man we are both so proud of and for that I'm grateful. With all my worries and concerns over the past few years I was still a mother and the lessons I have been learning he has been learning also. My experiences and how different they are from his father's experiences have given my child a depth of wisdom and I can only hope that his struggles don't have to be as extreme as mine have been because of it; but if they are, I have no doubt he will learn and become an even better person when faced with trials.

This has taught me that even when we aren't near our children and parenting them as closely as we would like, that doesn't mean our influence and very being isn't playing a role in our child's development. We are allowed to experience hardship for a reason and finding that reason may be a challenge but it's always there and sometimes it's less about us and our pain and suffering and more about someone close to us who's watching, like our children. I worked hard at being a good example and respecting my son's father even if we didn't work as a married couple. I took responsibility for my role when things didn't work out then and now, I take my lessons and I keep moving forward. Every decision I make every single day affects my son and just knowing that and holding it makes me a good mother and the validation is in the sweet messages and phone calls I get from him.

So to all of you parents out there who are missing your children and to those children who are missing a parent today I want to wish you a very special and happy Mother's Day. To the parent, don't believe for a second that your presence on this earth isn't valuable to your child, value isn't measured in the quantity of time you spend with your child but the quality and willingness to be there for them when they need you, even if it's just a phone call. And to those children missing a parent today, trust me, they miss you too, even if they have a not-so-funny way of showing it, your very existence is evidence of great love.

Lessons Offered in a Bus Ride

My Grandma Loved Motorcycles!

 A petite elderly woman boarded the bus today and for a split second I saw my grandmother. All I could really make out were soft but distinct lines around her mouth because just like my grandmother she was slightly hunched over, most likely from Osteoporosis, and she too took great care in protecting herself from the sun with sunglasses, a small straw hat, an ankle length loose fitted gray skirt, and a long sleeved teal top.

As the woman sat carefully in front of me I felt as though my grandmother had sat down in front of me; I was a little girl again and I was staring at her in wonder of her ability to always channel strength in the face of hardships. I remembered watching her, waiting for her to break out in giggles over pretty much anything; her face would squish up and she would have a soft cackle when she laughed which was often. No matter what was happening she always kept her sense of humor and even when she was angry she was controlled and smart about it. I felt a wave of emotion wash over me as the old woman on the bus got up to sit next to me at the next stop. Was it my grandmother's way of letting me know she still has my back? Or was it God's way of reminding me that I have her gumption and moxie? Or maybe both?

Grandma trying not to giggle when she saw me taking a picture of us this way. It was a new idea for her. :)

 I got off the bus and just as I began to cross the street at the crosswalk a woman in a Mercedes slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting me after turning a corner too fast. This of course startled me as I looked at the car and only saw the desert sun bouncing off her windshield straight into my eyes. As I looked away from the car to keep walking I realized I was laughing. I wasn't hysterical of course but I had a dismissive laugh with a dash of disbelief. I could look at this two ways, either the universe isn't done testing my resolve after taking so much from me or it is reminding me of the things that aren't happening to me, things can always be worse, I know this for a fact. Regardless of which perspective I chose I felt it was a fairly clear reminder of how my sense of humor has kept me going and I'm thankful to my grandmother most of all for that.

The point of this story is twofold:

First, I wonder how much our perspectives impact everything in our lives. I know we are told that our thoughts shape our world and science is proving this to be true but how often do we take the time to really  look at that possibility in our own life? Is that why I need to be taking a bus for now? Because taking a bus and walking really forces you to see things at a real and micro level and you notice and learn things you normally wouldn't.

Second, my biggest concern is my attitude regarding how many hardships have befallen me over the past few years. When my hard drive crashed the other day I was angry but I was almost more angry at how little it seemed to affect me. I have experienced so much hardship that one more thing that would have devastated me a year ago barely got to me. Is this because I'm getting comfortable with loss and hardship? Because that is something I REALLY don't want to get comfortable with. OR is it because I know that whatever happens I'm going to keep going? Is my perspective being tested? Is that why my treasured grandmother visited me today? To offer her moxie?

Food for thought, I suppose.

Transform the Expectation of Transformation

I don't know about you but whenever I see or hear about 'Transformation' I see amazing before and after weight loss photos or am blasted with inspirational quotes and ethereal images.

The Transformationby *shhhmeow

We think of butterflies emerging from their cocoons and gracing earth with their beauty as they dutifully pollinate the earth. The thing is, butterflies have the luxury of staying in their (seemingly) safe cocoon while their transformation happens and I have to wonder, do they know that they are born to transform? That question leads me to the next one, do humans know that they will eventually transform?

On some level every person has experienced transformation, at least if they have experienced the glory of puberty. I'm sure I'm not the only person who found that phase of my life awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe puberty was the inspiration for the Little Mermaid... As much as we dream about how amazing it would be to be a grown-up, once we are we find ourselves missing the times when we didn't have the responsibilities of a grown-up... at least I do anyway. Trading our fins and tail for legs isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The Transformationby *elotta

Then we grow up and something happens in our life, either it's something we aren't satisfied with in our life or circumstances beyond our control are thrust upon us and we have to make changes to ourselves and sometimes even our external lives. I was one of those people who had a life that had grown to be beyond unsatisfactory. My marriage was more than toxic and I had become the darkest possible version of myself, I was someone I never believed I was capable of being. I didn't like who I was becoming and I didn't want my young son to continue knowing nothing but the environment he was growing up in. I wanted my son to learn that even as a grown-up there are consequences to certain behaviors. After 14 years of marriage I left for the third and final time and the things that gave me the strength to do that would probably surprise and shock you.

Leaving my marriage was not the beginning of my transformation though; I hit rock bottom before that but I didn't know what to do or where to go, I was lost and felt trapped and right about that time a woman that belonged to the same religious organization that I did at the time offered support on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level. She introduced me to Healing Touch Therapies, primarily Craniosacral Therapy and the science behind it. She was not a New Age guru, nor did she proclaim to be a "healer", she just understood the science of the healing modalities that she practiced. She had survived cancer only by leaving America and going to Greece to learn alternative ways of healing after American doctors refused to help her and told her she was going to die. Through her I learned the power of our own minds and bodies and the gift we all have within us to heal ourselves from sickness and trauma and without having to compromise your spiritual belief system or relationship with God, the Universe, Spirit, the Divine, (or whatever word offers you most comfort), but channeling it within yourself first. Religion has confused what spirituality really is... but that's another discussion for another day...

Regardless of our beliefs, we have that power within us but it isn't easy and all too often, especially in the thick of change and hardship, we want to just give up. My transformation process truly began around 2005 and I am only recently accepting that it will never truly end. I have also recently realized that I'm not the only person who sometimes feels like giving up, like everything is just too hard, and if one more thing changes... The past couple of years have had their blessings, to be sure, but the things I have been through have made me feel like a bird keeps pecking at my cocoon and to top it off, the personal work I have had to do on myself has felt like this: 

We may reminisce about how comfortable certain aspects of our life were before and long to just go back to what was familiar but we know deep down we wouldn't be comfortable there anymore.

Maybe I'll be the butterfly soon and I can flit and float around pollinating the earth with my good will but for now, I'm working on appreciating the opportunity to start my life over, regardless of everything I've lost; it means I have room to start over with a clean slate! Right?