Healthy and Unhealthy Vulnerability

You will hear me discuss different words and concepts that have both positive and negative attributes and this blog will address vulnerability. Many words are interpreted by different people in different ways and typically it's with a myopic lens because their frame of reference is just as limited as mine or anyone else's. We all grow up and live in environments that favor a particular view on a word such as vulnerability, judgement, and ego to name a few. The thing is though, these words carry with them a vibration and depending on how big these words have been in your life you can feel an immediate response when hearing or reading them. Read and ponder each word individually and tune in to your breath and body as you do so and then notice your thoughts. Do you feel defensive? Is your mind flooded with opinions or stories around any of the words? Do you feel tension or a release of tension anywhere? I definitely have opinions and tension when I see or hear these words thrown around; mainly because the English language seems to limit a lot of words that are more complex than we give them credit for, 'love' being the biggest example for me.

My parents came to visit me the other day and my mom said something that keeps spinning around and around in my mind. My mother said that for years, as I struggled with my romantic relationships my father would go back to the same observation every time they would visit me and that was that I was so vulnerable. Now that word continues to hang in the center of my mind like a brilliant chandelier covered in dust and I'm trying to reach it to clean it off. Terry Crews hasn't helped with my current fixation. His vulnerable and viral videos about his porn addiction (Dirty Little Secret Series) really got me started before my parents visit and to illustrate my point I'm going to put gender aside (please go with me on this) and use him and myself as an example of the opposite ends of the spectrum / vibration of the word vulnerability.

If you have seen my YouTube channel then you know how I have struggled for years with Love Addiction and that has affected my life in a major way. Recognizing when you are obsessing over an idea of someone or a fantasy of what your romantic life should be can be crippling, especially when the realities of life come in and you feel nothing but terror as your dreams (fantasies) are dashed and there's another human in the room with you, not Cinderella or Prince Charming - not that we are all quite that naive but you get my meaning; there are various levels of delusion we put ourselves through in order to believe we can have "that kind" of love, whatever "that kind" means to each of us. So, when my hopes and dreams feel betrayed I withdraw, I feel sorry for myself and that has either forced the man I'm with to try to reach me, to the point of violence because of his own unaddressed needs, or with other men they choose to abandon me - or it feels that way to me - when in reality they see my imbalanced expectations and run OR they are just plain self-centered and take off until I get my head straight and then they are back again to enjoy only the best parts of me -see Emotionally Unavailable Love Avoidant.  By now I'm hoping you can see how I can become vulnerable in an unhealthy way. From my perspective I continued to feel more and more victimized and used. To be honest, I contributed a great deal to this cycle because I became desperate to feel and see the love I had fixated on in my mind since I was young.

Now to go back to what my parents had brought up about my vulnerability, the observation is a profoundly important one because healthy vulnerability is empowering not only to one's self but to others - back to Terry Crews. Terry Crews is able to share his story as an observer of his former self in a way. He is not attached to the drama but he shares it in a way that helps him to be compassionate and understanding of his former self while recognizing what brought him to that point and how to never again fall back into the cycle that brought him there. It would be safe to say that he is no longer a victim of his addiction and he has emerged a better person for doing the work and facing it. This is an important point too though, it took vulnerability at his lowest point to admit he had a problem at all and that vulnerability is why he has come so far.

Now speaking only as a woman who lived her life in an unhealthy state of vulnerability I attracted and was attracted to men who, whether they realized it or not, felt the desire to "rescue" me. They were struggling with their own unmet needs, their own fantasies and that is what attracted us. When two people meet when they are both in an unhealthy state of vulnerability then that unhealthy state begins to grow and expand just as much as two people in a healthy state of vulnerability can grow and expand together. Sex was often what the men would hide behind to keep from becoming too emotionally intimate and I used sex to try to get them to be emotionally intimate. I have learned that this dynamic or how it shows up isn't exclusive to either gender as many Millennials are confiding in me what they are going through.

Being mindful of how we use the word and show up in vulnerability is key. When I was in an unhealthy state vulnerability, just needing to be loved by a man so bad, I allowed myself to be taken advantage of; I was blind to the cycle I was in and began to wonder if all men where the same when really, all people who are still in that state are the same. And what healthy person is going to risk their own health to step into that? When we grow and become healthier people we take great care in what we expose ourselves to whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Now I'm working on being the healthy vulnerable; letting go of any attachment to my story or how I have identified myself in any role that made me feel victimized and using what I have experienced and learned in an empowering way for myself first and hopefully others in the future.

The Goddess in You

Micah - Goddess Photoshoot by SeguraPhotos

Today is September 6, 2015, the day that Venus begins to go direct (it will remain in shadow until October 9th) and coincidentally it's also World Goddess Day. I'm not sure how seriously I would normally take this but today I feel as if someone is screaming at me and I can't hear them. Is it my Higher Self? Is it God? I believe we have aspects of all of these archetypes within us. I relate more to the Goddess archetypes so I created this blog as a sort of exercise for others; a way to step outside of ourselves as observers without attachment to see how we would interpret our current situations, feelings, relationships and goals and what perspective we would offer ourselves through each unique filter.

These are four that help, hinder and haunt me. What they have taught me so far is at the end. If you try this exercise, please share any insights in the comments!

Venus of Urbino by Titian - 1538

Aphrodite (Roman name: Venus) - Goddess of Love, Beauty and Regeneration - protector of sailors. Her and I have had a love / hate relationship for a very long time. As Venus was retrograde many relationships were challenged and a lot of people ended relationships or did things in order to explore love and where they fit in the universal dance that they never imagined themselves doing. The greater the surprises were the more disconnected we were from recognizing how we have been showing up in our relationships, how our love expressions may have been off balance and how open we are to having healthy relationships (in general) with healthy boundaries with like-minded individuals. Whatever we have been avoiding, we have been forced to face. Now what do we do with that?

I have a love / hate relationship with this goddess because on one hand it feels wonderful and powerful to embrace our beauty (internally and externally), to have it recognized, valued, appreciated. It also feels wonderful to be in love but the act of love - doing love - can become a challenge. Words and actions can fail to match up. Expectations increase as do disappointments and resentments. The longing to be accepted for who you are and for exactly where you happen to be, all while being emotionally and spiritually encouraged and supported as you strive to be a better you becomes more and more elusive. It seems the more elusive a thing is the greater the desire for it and the further we push it away.

Athena statue at Parthenos

Athena (Roman name: Minerva) who for years I related to most. Goddess of Wisdom she was skilled in the art of war and negotiation. She was just and always sought peace. She was also Zeus' favorite.

Athena was with me when I did the goddess photoshoot the day after my Grandmother passed away. I felt the strength of this woman who had always faced every perceivable tragedy with a wisdom and soft giggle that could quickly ease the greatest of fears. Athena has been with me as I struggled to find a home to live in, I committed to being the first person in my family to complete a degree against all odds and as I fell in love again after a painful marriage. The shadow was probably becoming overly focused on survival and just getting through each day to the point of closing myself off from my true self, those I loved and others.

Athena and her wisdom are part of who I am but I lose myself and my ability to connect with others when I become overly ruled by my head and my ideals. In her wisdom I believe she is inviting me to connect with the other goddesses now in order to become my own version of a goddess.

Hestia

Hestia (Roman name: Vesta) - The gentlest of the gods she was the goddess of the hearth. Without realizing it I have longed to embody this goddess the most since I was a little girl. In the book, The Alchemist it is referred to as a "Personal Legend". This quiet and gentle goddess finds the greatest value in a warm fireplace that loved ones can gather around and warm their bodies, hearts, minds and spirits. Embodying being-ness and healthy connectedness, this is who I have most longed to be deep down but my excitable nature begins to get distracted by the gifts of the other goddesses instead of embodying all of them simultaneously. This is why the archetype of Hestia continues to elude me.

Hera campana

Hera (Roman name: Juno) - Goddess of Marriage and Queen of the Gods with a serious jealous streak. I have known this archetype. I have known justified jealousy but have known great restraint in these moments (thank you, Athena). I was far from a goddess when married. I did not honor myself and therefore could not honor my household.

Micah - Goddess Shoot by Segura Photos

There are more goddesses and I encourage you to look them up to research them as archetypes, possibly meditate on the ones that resonate with you the most; even use them when creating visualizations or scripts for healing sessions. Here's what I have taken away from my meditations on these four women that have ruled my life with and without my awareness:

1. When you forget your Personal Legend (The Alchemist), that one thing you knew you were put on earth for since your earliest recollection, that one thing that makes you feel whole, you forget yourself. It becomes buried in fear and excuses and digging it out can mean countless loss the more piled up these fears and excuses become.

2. A goddess can show up in many ways without you realizing it. For me, I wanted Hestia to show up a certain way. Each time I get a little closer to realizing that hope it slips further away from my grasp. So redefining that image in your mind can help you feel complete. For me, my home is warm by my own fire. I can invite as few or as many people into my home and make them feel as warm, loved and accepted as possible each time, as little or as often as I'd like without compromising myself.

3. Venus loves love and so do I. Sometimes the love that is most demonstrated for us is by people we least expect it from. What a powerful lesson in detachment from expectations from those we say we love most! Why do the greatest loves come with the greatest expectations? Love ought not be heavy. Love is restorative and regenerates. It may not always look like you hope it could but the less you hang on to that particular expectation the more abundant varieties of love come pouring in. Virtuous, compassionate and accepting love.

4. Only when you can truly commit to yourself, what it is you know you need to be doing and making your well-being a priority, only then will others who treat themselves with the same dignity want to spend time with you. 

5. Be courageous. Risk losing what you fear losing the most. Release attachment to your ideas of how things "should" be or look and celebrate what they are. When you embody all of your archetypal, goddess-like strengths you will be and feel unstoppable and any set backs will feel that much more temporary.

6. NO ONE CAN TAKE ANYTHING FROM YOU THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE!

Become your own god damn goddess!!

Follow Your Rage - Own Your Place in this World

I've recently realized that following your passion can leave you bewildered and overwhelmed when you have so many. The heart pounds with passion but it also pounds with fury. I'm going to follow my anger - my passionate anger. What pisses me off the most? What do I want to change more than anything? Knowing the answer to those questions makes my direction clearer than any of the 'love and light', 'what are your gifts and talents?', 'what types of things show up in sessions', and all the other warm and fuzzy suggestions I've received from well-intended individuals. Sometimes love is fierce and fueled by a deep anger that has been growing as you observe your own and other people's complacency, denial and avoidance. Today is the day to say 'NO MORE'.

When I hear women complain about a patriarchal society (or anything else that appears patriarchal) I can't help but think of how many ways women accept roles that encourage patriarchy and then they complain about men having trouble committing or being "man enough"... whatever that means. If patriarchy makes you angry then stop trying to assume the roles of men! That does NOT make a woman equal, it makes her a conformist. If you don't want to be in a patriarchal relationship then don't expect a man to "take care of you" as though you are beneath him, financially, emotionally, psychology or any of the other "_______ly's". Gender equality is about an equal exchange of support, love and appreciation. You take care of one another equally.

 I will never settle for any relationship where I am not held accountable. To be my best possible me I need people in my life that call me on my sh*t. THAT is what shows me they love me, they don't want to be "above" me or "below" me, they want to work WITH me. Relationships that are symbiotic and beneficial for both parties with healthy boundaries and clear communication are for me.

A woman's contributions to society have the privilege of morphing significantly depending on her age, whether or not she has had children and how she wants to show up in the world. As the wonderful article I posted below reminds us, women of a certain age need to be more nurturing as they raise children but how can we use any dissatisfaction in our lives at any age to fuel us and remind loving nurturers? It is possible!

STOP neglecting yourself under the guise of having to take care of other people first. Practice what you preach, show people what it means to be empowered by taking care of yourself. Martyrdom based on self-neglect and perpetuating your own victimhood has no place in anyone's life anymore. See the healer in everyone, including your children and help others learn how to heal themselves. STOP basing your self-worth on other people's pain and drama. SHOW them the light they struggle to find, hold it for them when they are tired but don't ever, EVER take it from them or assume you are the only person that can help them with their light. Allow others to embrace what pains them, makes them angry and show them how to channel that into something powerful. And please, do not allow anything outside of yourself make you question your value. Accept challenges and allow them to peel away more layers of unnecessary fears.

Now is the time for me to crack myself open without fear and surround myself with people who are willing to do the same. Now is the time to love the things that piss me off because those are the things that show me where I can make a difference. I feel that part of my value is based on my ability to love myself and others and when I'm angry it's because I see where love is lacking, either for self or others.

Complacency, denial, victimhood, complaining, avoidance and unhealthy relationships, thoughts and behaviors are all unhealthy fear based patterns that hold us back and are cowardly excuses to not step up and make a difference. Are your desires based on what things piss you off and what you KNOW you can do to change it? Or are your desires based on avoiding truly connecting with yourself or others creating faux relationships and feeding addictive patterns? I believe anyone who is honest about the answer already knows their worth and doesn't need me to say anymore.

If you want to feel as fired up as I do, read: Rising Into The Storm: Women Who Burst Open with Age.

Sins of a Mother - What Instagram Doesn't Show You

http://www.elinorcarucci.com/mother - *Nudity

The article on Elephant Journal, Motherhood Uncensored: What We Don't See on Instagram had me thinking about my time as a young mother and as I looked at the uncensored, artistic and raw photos of Elinor Carucci and her family I felt remorse, guilt and even some shame for a number of reasons. I will share two.

First - I was reminded of a discussion that took place on Facebook regarding women being allowed to have the same right to go shirtless as men. I was not part of this discussion, it was actually something my partner had showed me when he decided to defend his friend for her beliefs. His friend is currently a breastfeeding mother who has other children to take care of, (from my understanding anyway). This woman was attacked by many who claim to be religious, god-loving people who would preach about not judging others in one sentence as they judged her for her beliefs and very honest and raw feelings as a mother. My partner reminded those people that the only reason this is even an issue is because our culture has overly sexualized women's breasts and their value as something erotic has surpassed their value as life sustaining and nurturing gifts that only women have the privilege of choosing to experience - or not (in so many words anyway). I immediately imagined a woman having an orgasm strictly through nipple stimulation eons ago and she was meant to feel shamed for it and it quickly became something shameful for a woman while it simultaneously became, for a man preaching wholesomeness and purity, something to secretly long to experience; kind of like early day porn. Of course, this is all just me and my overactive imagination but still, you have to wonder.

If boobies make you uncomfortable, if realness of life in it's purest and rawest forms makes you uncomfortable or if you fear you may twist these images into something sexual, then please save everyone the trouble and don't view them. Read the Elephant Journal version to feel safe. If you want to experience a glimpse into the realness of motherhood and can observe without offense or judgement - including observing your own reaction physically, psychologically, spiritually or emotionally - then click and learn.

Second - As you may have surmised from the first point, society in general (including myself) made me feel remorse, guilt and some shame. Then those feelings hit closer to home as I viewed images of frustration and exhaustion in the mother's face. I only had one son and I have regretted my role as a mother almost his entire life. This is not fair to him or to me but I find myself reflecting often on how unprepared I was to be a mother at such a young age. I had not known life, I did not know how to be married and I especially didn't know how to be ME. I am often flooded with memories of moments that where wrapped in opportunity to connect with my son more, to learn how to be interested in his interests, to help him feel like he mattered to me as much as he really did.

It's so hard to remove one's self from the personal drama and connect with your children when anything in your life is riddled with the bullets of poverty, abuse, trauma, neglect or everyday stresses we bring home creating trauma, and then you realize that your inability to know how to change it only delivers the same toxic bullets to your children. Even now that he's a young man, whenever I see him I can FEEL my old feelings when I was with his father and he was so young and I have to consciously remind myself to be present; present in time and present in mindfulness with my son. I look at these images and the time I have with my son now as an opportunity to not change what's done but to start a new chapter and make new and healthier memories.

Social Media doesn't always share the realness of life, more the idyllic version of life, almost like an online vision board whose reality we feel close to reaching with every post.

What about you? Anything you feel compelled to express when reading the article or viewing the images?

The Clarity of Purpose

This quote makes me think about purpose a lot. How much time does any one of us spend trying to figure out our purpose or connect with what we believe our purpose may be? I found myself in conversation with a stranger when I took myself out for breakfast one morning. It was one of those synchronistic moments with someone you don't know and will probably never see again that offers exactly what you need at the perfect moment. After a few kind questions he simply stated "You're a Renaissance Woman. What a gift!" Funny, I had never looked at myself that way. I have spent my life seeing how heady I get about everything and how I need to learn as much as possible about every topic that piques my interest before I get bored and want to move on to the next topic. I thought something was wrong with me!

Clarity of purpose continues to elude me. Sure I can see how my existence offers value in different aspects of life for people in general or those closest to me but having a clear purpose, to me means that it can be stated simply and directly. Like Einstein said, "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it enough."

Here's what I do know though; life has taught me that when you are on the right track with something, anything the less you have to talk about it. For example, when I had to talk about my marriage or any relationship thereafter with friends to "process", "vent", or get clarity I was really avoiding what I knew to be true for whatever reason. When I became aligned with what I knew to be true, accepted it and became willing to allow it to unfold in the best way possible for everyone involved then everything would fall into place. It was like I was watching my life happen around me. My actions were visceral and yet in harmony with everything and everyone around me. Even if others didn't know, understand or like my choices or actions, I knew I wasn't doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone. To let go of controlling the outcome, to let go of pain, anger, the need for my idea of justice or vengeance freed me from the control of others and the chains of my own thoughts and behaviors that had gotten me in those situations in the first place.

When we are stepping into purpose, whether it's your purpose in someone's life or your life purpose you will begin to recognize the moments when you feel despair, judgement of self or others, confusion or any other unsettling emotion and you will recognize the moments when you know something to be true. When you are quiet you can hear it, feel it viscerally, see it in your mind and if you aren't living it you will know that too. Notice what it is you hear yourself saying to others when processing or what it is you're writing over and over when processing. The key to what you are avoiding is in there.

When you realize what it is that needs to be done, when you don't need any feedback or input from anyone else, when you are tired of hearing yourself think or talk about the same thing over and over again, everything shifts. I have known this moment and it is life changing - maybe that's why we avoid it - fear of change? fear of the unknown? fear of success and/or failure? - The latter doesn't resonate with me because when you know something that deeply you don't even worry about success or failure, that isn't relevant. Now I am witnessing the man I love stepping into his purpose with bravery and confidence. And honestly, I don't think he would ever talk about the possibilities of success or failure either. He knows he is on this planet to make sure every human being has equal access to the food that they need. He doesn't question this, ask for anyone's opinion on it, he just lives it and the more and more he lives it the more people flock to him to support him, offer business advice, mentoring and anything else he may need to reach more and more people. He only has to have a new awareness about what is needed to get to the next level and within days (or less) it happens. He doesn't focus on manifesting, he doesn't worry, he doesn't get all stressed out about anything, he just plays his part in the symphony he's writing adding new instruments as he goes along.

That's the way it is when we are still, we are aware, we are clear, we know what we need to get to the next level, people who are meant to help us along the way just seem to be there right when you need them. No matter how deep this may feel in the moment or however many people help you there is never a doubt "am I doing the right thing?" it all just flows, even the rough spots are easier to get through. I may not be as clear on my purpose as my man is on his but I am clear on my purpose for each day and for now that's enough. When I stop writing about purpose I suppose that's when I've realized it. :) I imagine it will be like this little girl that gets to see life in a clearer way for the first time. It reminds me of when I was in optical for years and how I was moved to tears every time a child could see the world with clarity for the first time; especially when I would put contacts on their eyes for the first time and they would cry with their parents. Nothing in my secular life was ever more fulfilling.

When Caring Goes Bad

It's time for a Facebook and overall social media cleanse, my denial is over...

More than once this past week I have heard different people who care about me point out, (in person), that I have a habit of caring too much about what other people think. Now this has always been an issue with me having been raised to believe that everyone pays attention and everyone will notice if you screw up and no one cares when you're doing things right. I grew up in quite a paranoid environment and then I married into one and the cycle continued.

As I have been stripped of everything I once used to identify or label myself all of my old ideas and beliefs have been challenged and/or stripped away as well. I have suffered a lot of grief over this past summer as I grieved the person I once knew, a person formed by the opinions, threats, and guilt trips of others, and realized that I had to be all alone with myself which was quite frankly, a very horrifying thought mainly because I didn't know who that was... Actually, that's not true, I always have known but I have never EVER been given the opportunity to express it. Ok, that's a cop-out, I have never taken the opportunity to express it, not completely; not until 2009 when I left my marriage did I really begin to explore who I was apart from other people's ideas, beliefs, and expectations of me and force myself to live accordingly and subsequently I lost everything I could possibly use to form my identity including time with my child.

This week I saw my brother for the first time in a long while and was able to feel connected to my roots again, my original tribe, and it felt so good. It felt good to hear him speak about his passions and to have him listen to me about my frustrations with where I'm at in my process and how badly I want to be there for people going through similar challenges I have faced and as I poured my heart out he simply responded, (as though he was a Life Coach too), "It sounds to me that everything you're saying is what you need right now. You need to give yourself permission to grieve everything you've lost and every painful discovery you have made. You have permission from the people who matter but you need to give yourself permission." In that moment I felt as though a heavy and dark cloak was lifted from me and it was so simple I had over-thought it. I shared this story with my partner the next morning and he smiled and said, "You do have permission, honey... go ahead and cry now." Naturally he had to be a little smug about how supportive he is capable of being. But you know what? My mind finally slowed down.

Only over the past couple of days of just sitting with my grief, acknowledging it for what it is and giving myself permission to do so did I also realize that I have been in denial over how strongly I have held on to things that I shouldn't be hanging on to anymore. Most likely this has been out of fear of losing more in my life after being so angry for what has already been taken from me, (and yes, I realize things can always be worse but that doesn't make my or anyone else's emotions any less valid), so I have clung to things, people, experiences, etc. This fear has kept me distracted and avoidant, consumed with things that really don't have to matter that much.

I refuse to say that I'm letting go of what no longer "serves me" because I believe it is the height of arrogance to say any person, thing, or experience should ever SERVE ME; I literally feel pain in my gut when I hear that expression. I will say this however, there are things I have hung on to, activities, experiences and people that make me feel drained, the reasons are moot and I couldn't explain it completely if I tried but I don't have to. There are things, people, and activities that enhance our life or help us sustain it but we all have a choice as to what we choose to participate in and if something drains us, mind, body, or spirit, or we know there are people out there that don't really care for us, then why hang on to any of those things? Why fight and try to continue to matter or find meaning to a person, a job, or an experience that isn't willing to offer the same opportunity in return? Not that we are owed anything but there comes a point where we just keep spinning our wheels over something and for what?

I racked up quite the friend count on Facebook. I had two profiles for a while because I was paid to help people network online and build their social media presence. I don't do that anymore and the very thought of it makes me cringe. Now I have a Facebook account full of people I met only once and even a few people I don't know at all and I don't really know why anymore; isn't this what Fan Pages are for or LinkedIn? I have a Facebook Fan Page and if anyone was really interested in where my business is going to go or what I have to offer they would follow it, right? Other than that, I see no reason to hang on to online "friendships" that amount only to me "Liking" or commenting someone's posts or shares out of sincere appreciation or interest only to feel like crap that so many people don't seem to offer the same not only to me but to anyone else. And if this is making me feel as though I have to keep some kind of mental tally then how healthy can that possibly be for me?! I'm sure they don't think about it that hard... But the fact is, I do. I am not on Facebook as much as I used to be and I keep missing really meaningful things shared by people I talk to regularly, people who care about me as much as I care about them online or off. So for me, it's time to clean my online house. I'm heading in a completely different direction and I plan on walking my talk by staying connected to the people who make me feel connected and vice-versa. My "friend" collection that I selfishly accumulated will take a serious hit but it's time to be selfish in a much healthier way. I'm quite sure no one will really notice anyway. And yes, this is that big of a deal to me.

Sit in the Uncomfortableness

Looks uncomfortable...by ~Havoc-elite

In one of our final classes for Life Coaching certification we practiced a powerful exercise around helping a client through getting an apology from someone from their past who isn't willing or able to give them the apology the client needs. This exercise was more powerful than I could have imagined and I could understand why it would be necessary for anyone feeling stuck in life. It was surprisingly simple and required little to no detail from the client in order to facilitate the process which was also a pleasant surprise, (not everyone wants to share details).

When we started the exercise we began simply by facing our surrogate (the Coach) and "client" and we were given very few details about how the process would go so after the first portion my partner and I kind of looked at each other like, "What now?" and as I started to ask the instructor the question he stopped me and said, "Just sit in the uncomfortableness, Micah." My internal dialogue was racing because I understood the power of those words and what his intention was when he spoke them and also could hear in my mind how I would rationalize my reason for asking so as to not look foolish.

Ever since that moment I have heard my instructor's voice booming in my head like the voice of God in any and every possible situation that could be uncomfortable for me but necessary for a healing process and I have decided that I may hear his voice in my head in these types of situations for the rest of my life.

This has had me thinking about how much time and energy we spend in avoiding pain and discomfort which is interesting because if we just faced our pain, owned why we were feeling it, took responsibility in our role in it and made the conscious decision to determine how much we were willing to suffer over it, then we would spend less time in pain or discomfort than we do avoiding it. To explain what I mean, let me give you two examples that pop into my head right away:

1. Avoiding Love - I have done video blogs and posted them with blogs on my website about Love Avoidants and how Love Addicts can occasionally behave like a Love Avoidant and as a recovering Love Addict I feel baffled at how much time and energy goes into wanting love but being so afraid of it you push love away once you find it as if it will hurt less for it to end sooner over and over and over again as opposed to diving in and truly exploring what love really is, what it truly feels like, and all the yummy goodness that goes with committing to one person for a while along with what we are willing to live with and compromise when committed to someone else. 

Relationships aren't always pretty but it is in the uncomfortable and painful moments when we have the opportunity to truly connect with another person even more or have any questions about your love (or relationship) answered. Those tough moments prove what a person is truly made of; it's in these moments that we are most raw and exposed and it may not always be pretty but what comes from it can be more beautiful than anything we would've previously imagined, even if it's as simple as a stronger sense of self.

    2. Going to the Doctor - Can you imagine how less frequently people would go to the doctor if they went to the root of why they were feeling the way they felt? Don't get me wrong, I believe that going to the doctor is critical in many circumstances but the more I have learned practiced, and experienced complimentary / alternative medicine the better I feel. I feel more confident, my health is improving, I'm more clear about who I am and what I have to offer and I see countless examples of other people taking responsibility for their health and lives every single day.

Pain in our body is like a weed in our garden, we can trim it, spray it, do whatever we want to in order to avoid looking at these unsightly weeds but without getting to the root the weed will just keep finding other ways to grow. Pain in our body that gets ignored, avoided, buried and covered up will just move to another spot or grow even bigger. When we don't process our emotions, (including pain), in a healthy way it gets stored in our body and stays there until it becomes chronic or even a dis/ease like a heart condition or cancer.

We spend so much time and energy trying to control the outcomes of any given situation that we forget we have more control over ourselves and how we feel than anything else there is and when we ignore that we surrender any and all of our control to circumstances and pain whether it's real, imagined, past, or future. So I ask you, what is more difficult, sitting in the uncomfortableness of pain when it first shows up, being present with it and even asking for help facing it and moving through it at your own pace? Or avoiding it and allowing it to build up until it becomes a regret or a dis/ease?

When Patterns Become Clear

Patternsby ~Kaeldra-1

     In this moment I am becoming much more confident that I am going in the direction of my dreams. I am also becoming much more clear on what "grace unfolding" actually means and feels like. It's moments like this that inspired this blog because I am not the only person that goes through these feelings and experiences and it is in times like this we can feel most alone... I will explain...

     If you are following my YouTube channel or my Motion and Potion Relationships, Love, and Sex blogs you know that I have had the opportunity to recognize myself as a recovering Love Addict. As I sat in my Psychology of Addiction class and we discussed what different unhealthy family dynamics may look like including the addictive family type, (addiction shows up in many ways, not just in substances), I could see my entire life layed out so clearly like a complex and interweaving pattern and I understood even more the meaning behind Neo seeing the computer code in everything when he was in the Matrix.

     At first it was so exciting! I was excited to know that I recognized my unhealthy patterns and worked to break them and had gotten myself healthy, (as much as I knew how to at the time anyway, being healthy is a lifelong endeavor). I was excited to feel as though I have the opportunity for a fresh start and in understanding I was free! In seeing the ancestral pattern I knew that it would be my job to break it and teach my son the unhealthy patterns he witnessed growing up so maybe he won't have to struggle as much as so many other people do.

     Over the next few weeks however I began to realize the magnitude of the responsibility I have in not only recognizing and changing patterns of behavior that have been literally ingrained in my DNA but start from scratch with a completely clean slate. I had the awareness and power to rewrite the code but realized I had never written code before!

     Now for someone who has gone through Love Addiction and has inadvertently been defined by their relationships and careers try to imagine how frightening this realization is when it means that you have to reframe old patterns, create new and hopefully fresher patterns and do this all by yourself. As this pressure closed in on me my sleeping dreams became more vivid and reminded me of all of the people from my past that I would normally go to in order to work through something this daunting with which made me feel even more alone. So not only do I have to face changing multiple life time's worth of behavior patterns but I have to do it alone in order to not fall back into old behavior patterns that hurt not only me but the people I loved the most. Granted, it is an act of love for me to take this journey alone and not rely on others to carry me through it but that doesn't seem to make it less frightening.

     Last night I went through my own coaching session and realized that I have not been giving myself enough credit for all the work and changes I have already made on myself and in my life. I have spent a lot of time measuring my success more on what I don't have instead of what I do have. Consciously I see and can preach about the obviousness of the problem in this but on a deeper and more unconscious level I still struggle with this. TA-DA!! A new pattern emerges!! As if I didn't already have my work cut out for me, right? I also realized that in my distraction with my own stuff I began to have a convoluted way of demonstrating how much I appreciate having a man in my life willing to work outside in the Phoenix heat from sun up to sun down building his own business and supporting us both financially. My fears of not demonstrating to him how much that means to me have only made things more challenging on our relationship, not easier and once I let go of trying to prove something to me, him, or anyone else along with my idea of what that is supposed to look like and just listened to him tell me what he wants and needs from me and accept it everything was fine. Apparently being an overachiever in a relationship isn't healthy either... Who would've thunk it?!

     Thank goodness for coaching! Coaches need to be coached too! Like anyone else, we have things we need to continue to recognize, learn and grow from. It's part of practicing what we preach. No one has all the answers except YOU. That's right, we all have all the answers we need inside of us and sometimes we just need a little coaching to help dig through the crap and confusion and get straight to it. Life goes so much smoother when we give up excuses and rationalizations and just accept what we know to be true but boy oh boy is it a lot of commitment and work!

My Mother's Day Lesson - Being away from my son doesn't make me less of a mother

My son and I in 2006

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent." ~ Erich Fromm

Mother's Day has developed an entirely new meaning for me since leaving the family I had known for 14 years in 2009 for the third and final time. I knew that when I left that life to start a new one it was going to be difficult but I no longer had a choice; I was doing what I needed to do in order to save my life and subsequently my son's life to some degree. Little did I know that the moment I made that decision the universe would begin to conspire to make the death of my former life absolute and complete.

The most challenging trial I have had to endure was not homelessness or losing any kind of income and going to bed hungry, the most challenging trial was losing time with my child. Although my decision to leave his father was a very necessary one I made sure to sever our ties as completely as possible which meant no financial support so when I lost my job in 2010 I lost everything and my teenage son began to see less and less of me.

For the past three years of being unemployed I have remained tormented with the pain of being forced away from my son by circumstance. Although I remain beyond grateful for his father taking such good care of our son I have beat myself up for what feels as though I was abandoning this little person I was once inseparable from. For 12 years my son and I did everything together when I wasn't at work and he wasn't at school, our bond was a very strong and close one and then, after a year in my own place and sharing equal parenting time with his father it was all ripped away from me and I was left devastated and feeling lost and alone.

Recently I got a phone call from my now 16 year old and as our conversation ended he thanked me and told me that he feels like he can come to me with any problem or concern, he trusts me with virtually anything. In that moment I was overcome with emotion and I realized that even though my physical presence with my son is limited my influence and value as a mother are not. I have a teenage boy who texts me, is comfortable expressing his affection for the people in his life he cares for, and has learned to reason and analyze the things in life that matter most in order to have a deeper understanding of himself and his place in the world around him. I have a son who, despite any personal struggle remembers how to love and communicate appropriately depending on the circumstance.

My son's father and I may not have been a healthy couple when we were married but we have always respected one another as parents and that never changed neither during or after the divorce. Our efforts show in the young man we are both so proud of and for that I'm grateful. With all my worries and concerns over the past few years I was still a mother and the lessons I have been learning he has been learning also. My experiences and how different they are from his father's experiences have given my child a depth of wisdom and I can only hope that his struggles don't have to be as extreme as mine have been because of it; but if they are, I have no doubt he will learn and become an even better person when faced with trials.

This has taught me that even when we aren't near our children and parenting them as closely as we would like, that doesn't mean our influence and very being isn't playing a role in our child's development. We are allowed to experience hardship for a reason and finding that reason may be a challenge but it's always there and sometimes it's less about us and our pain and suffering and more about someone close to us who's watching, like our children. I worked hard at being a good example and respecting my son's father even if we didn't work as a married couple. I took responsibility for my role when things didn't work out then and now, I take my lessons and I keep moving forward. Every decision I make every single day affects my son and just knowing that and holding it makes me a good mother and the validation is in the sweet messages and phone calls I get from him.

So to all of you parents out there who are missing your children and to those children who are missing a parent today I want to wish you a very special and happy Mother's Day. To the parent, don't believe for a second that your presence on this earth isn't valuable to your child, value isn't measured in the quantity of time you spend with your child but the quality and willingness to be there for them when they need you, even if it's just a phone call. And to those children missing a parent today, trust me, they miss you too, even if they have a not-so-funny way of showing it, your very existence is evidence of great love.

Lessons Offered in a Bus Ride

My Grandma Loved Motorcycles!

 A petite elderly woman boarded the bus today and for a split second I saw my grandmother. All I could really make out were soft but distinct lines around her mouth because just like my grandmother she was slightly hunched over, most likely from Osteoporosis, and she too took great care in protecting herself from the sun with sunglasses, a small straw hat, an ankle length loose fitted gray skirt, and a long sleeved teal top.

As the woman sat carefully in front of me I felt as though my grandmother had sat down in front of me; I was a little girl again and I was staring at her in wonder of her ability to always channel strength in the face of hardships. I remembered watching her, waiting for her to break out in giggles over pretty much anything; her face would squish up and she would have a soft cackle when she laughed which was often. No matter what was happening she always kept her sense of humor and even when she was angry she was controlled and smart about it. I felt a wave of emotion wash over me as the old woman on the bus got up to sit next to me at the next stop. Was it my grandmother's way of letting me know she still has my back? Or was it God's way of reminding me that I have her gumption and moxie? Or maybe both?

Grandma trying not to giggle when she saw me taking a picture of us this way. It was a new idea for her. :)

 I got off the bus and just as I began to cross the street at the crosswalk a woman in a Mercedes slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting me after turning a corner too fast. This of course startled me as I looked at the car and only saw the desert sun bouncing off her windshield straight into my eyes. As I looked away from the car to keep walking I realized I was laughing. I wasn't hysterical of course but I had a dismissive laugh with a dash of disbelief. I could look at this two ways, either the universe isn't done testing my resolve after taking so much from me or it is reminding me of the things that aren't happening to me, things can always be worse, I know this for a fact. Regardless of which perspective I chose I felt it was a fairly clear reminder of how my sense of humor has kept me going and I'm thankful to my grandmother most of all for that.

The point of this story is twofold:

First, I wonder how much our perspectives impact everything in our lives. I know we are told that our thoughts shape our world and science is proving this to be true but how often do we take the time to really  look at that possibility in our own life? Is that why I need to be taking a bus for now? Because taking a bus and walking really forces you to see things at a real and micro level and you notice and learn things you normally wouldn't.

Second, my biggest concern is my attitude regarding how many hardships have befallen me over the past few years. When my hard drive crashed the other day I was angry but I was almost more angry at how little it seemed to affect me. I have experienced so much hardship that one more thing that would have devastated me a year ago barely got to me. Is this because I'm getting comfortable with loss and hardship? Because that is something I REALLY don't want to get comfortable with. OR is it because I know that whatever happens I'm going to keep going? Is my perspective being tested? Is that why my treasured grandmother visited me today? To offer her moxie?

Food for thought, I suppose.

Transform the Expectation of Transformation

I don't know about you but whenever I see or hear about 'Transformation' I see amazing before and after weight loss photos or am blasted with inspirational quotes and ethereal images.

The Transformationby *shhhmeow

We think of butterflies emerging from their cocoons and gracing earth with their beauty as they dutifully pollinate the earth. The thing is, butterflies have the luxury of staying in their (seemingly) safe cocoon while their transformation happens and I have to wonder, do they know that they are born to transform? That question leads me to the next one, do humans know that they will eventually transform?

On some level every person has experienced transformation, at least if they have experienced the glory of puberty. I'm sure I'm not the only person who found that phase of my life awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe puberty was the inspiration for the Little Mermaid... As much as we dream about how amazing it would be to be a grown-up, once we are we find ourselves missing the times when we didn't have the responsibilities of a grown-up... at least I do anyway. Trading our fins and tail for legs isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The Transformationby *elotta

Then we grow up and something happens in our life, either it's something we aren't satisfied with in our life or circumstances beyond our control are thrust upon us and we have to make changes to ourselves and sometimes even our external lives. I was one of those people who had a life that had grown to be beyond unsatisfactory. My marriage was more than toxic and I had become the darkest possible version of myself, I was someone I never believed I was capable of being. I didn't like who I was becoming and I didn't want my young son to continue knowing nothing but the environment he was growing up in. I wanted my son to learn that even as a grown-up there are consequences to certain behaviors. After 14 years of marriage I left for the third and final time and the things that gave me the strength to do that would probably surprise and shock you.

Leaving my marriage was not the beginning of my transformation though; I hit rock bottom before that but I didn't know what to do or where to go, I was lost and felt trapped and right about that time a woman that belonged to the same religious organization that I did at the time offered support on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level. She introduced me to Healing Touch Therapies, primarily Craniosacral Therapy and the science behind it. She was not a New Age guru, nor did she proclaim to be a "healer", she just understood the science of the healing modalities that she practiced. She had survived cancer only by leaving America and going to Greece to learn alternative ways of healing after American doctors refused to help her and told her she was going to die. Through her I learned the power of our own minds and bodies and the gift we all have within us to heal ourselves from sickness and trauma and without having to compromise your spiritual belief system or relationship with God, the Universe, Spirit, the Divine, (or whatever word offers you most comfort), but channeling it within yourself first. Religion has confused what spirituality really is... but that's another discussion for another day...

Regardless of our beliefs, we have that power within us but it isn't easy and all too often, especially in the thick of change and hardship, we want to just give up. My transformation process truly began around 2005 and I am only recently accepting that it will never truly end. I have also recently realized that I'm not the only person who sometimes feels like giving up, like everything is just too hard, and if one more thing changes... The past couple of years have had their blessings, to be sure, but the things I have been through have made me feel like a bird keeps pecking at my cocoon and to top it off, the personal work I have had to do on myself has felt like this: 

We may reminisce about how comfortable certain aspects of our life were before and long to just go back to what was familiar but we know deep down we wouldn't be comfortable there anymore.

Maybe I'll be the butterfly soon and I can flit and float around pollinating the earth with my good will but for now, I'm working on appreciating the opportunity to start my life over, regardless of everything I've lost; it means I have room to start over with a clean slate! Right?