Sins of a Mother - What Instagram Doesn't Show You

http://www.elinorcarucci.com/mother - *Nudity

The article on Elephant Journal, Motherhood Uncensored: What We Don't See on Instagram had me thinking about my time as a young mother and as I looked at the uncensored, artistic and raw photos of Elinor Carucci and her family I felt remorse, guilt and even some shame for a number of reasons. I will share two.

First - I was reminded of a discussion that took place on Facebook regarding women being allowed to have the same right to go shirtless as men. I was not part of this discussion, it was actually something my partner had showed me when he decided to defend his friend for her beliefs. His friend is currently a breastfeeding mother who has other children to take care of, (from my understanding anyway). This woman was attacked by many who claim to be religious, god-loving people who would preach about not judging others in one sentence as they judged her for her beliefs and very honest and raw feelings as a mother. My partner reminded those people that the only reason this is even an issue is because our culture has overly sexualized women's breasts and their value as something erotic has surpassed their value as life sustaining and nurturing gifts that only women have the privilege of choosing to experience - or not (in so many words anyway). I immediately imagined a woman having an orgasm strictly through nipple stimulation eons ago and she was meant to feel shamed for it and it quickly became something shameful for a woman while it simultaneously became, for a man preaching wholesomeness and purity, something to secretly long to experience; kind of like early day porn. Of course, this is all just me and my overactive imagination but still, you have to wonder.

If boobies make you uncomfortable, if realness of life in it's purest and rawest forms makes you uncomfortable or if you fear you may twist these images into something sexual, then please save everyone the trouble and don't view them. Read the Elephant Journal version to feel safe. If you want to experience a glimpse into the realness of motherhood and can observe without offense or judgement - including observing your own reaction physically, psychologically, spiritually or emotionally - then click and learn.

Second - As you may have surmised from the first point, society in general (including myself) made me feel remorse, guilt and some shame. Then those feelings hit closer to home as I viewed images of frustration and exhaustion in the mother's face. I only had one son and I have regretted my role as a mother almost his entire life. This is not fair to him or to me but I find myself reflecting often on how unprepared I was to be a mother at such a young age. I had not known life, I did not know how to be married and I especially didn't know how to be ME. I am often flooded with memories of moments that where wrapped in opportunity to connect with my son more, to learn how to be interested in his interests, to help him feel like he mattered to me as much as he really did.

It's so hard to remove one's self from the personal drama and connect with your children when anything in your life is riddled with the bullets of poverty, abuse, trauma, neglect or everyday stresses we bring home creating trauma, and then you realize that your inability to know how to change it only delivers the same toxic bullets to your children. Even now that he's a young man, whenever I see him I can FEEL my old feelings when I was with his father and he was so young and I have to consciously remind myself to be present; present in time and present in mindfulness with my son. I look at these images and the time I have with my son now as an opportunity to not change what's done but to start a new chapter and make new and healthier memories.

Social Media doesn't always share the realness of life, more the idyllic version of life, almost like an online vision board whose reality we feel close to reaching with every post.

What about you? Anything you feel compelled to express when reading the article or viewing the images?

The Clarity of Purpose

This quote makes me think about purpose a lot. How much time does any one of us spend trying to figure out our purpose or connect with what we believe our purpose may be? I found myself in conversation with a stranger when I took myself out for breakfast one morning. It was one of those synchronistic moments with someone you don't know and will probably never see again that offers exactly what you need at the perfect moment. After a few kind questions he simply stated "You're a Renaissance Woman. What a gift!" Funny, I had never looked at myself that way. I have spent my life seeing how heady I get about everything and how I need to learn as much as possible about every topic that piques my interest before I get bored and want to move on to the next topic. I thought something was wrong with me!

Clarity of purpose continues to elude me. Sure I can see how my existence offers value in different aspects of life for people in general or those closest to me but having a clear purpose, to me means that it can be stated simply and directly. Like Einstein said, "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it enough."

Here's what I do know though; life has taught me that when you are on the right track with something, anything the less you have to talk about it. For example, when I had to talk about my marriage or any relationship thereafter with friends to "process", "vent", or get clarity I was really avoiding what I knew to be true for whatever reason. When I became aligned with what I knew to be true, accepted it and became willing to allow it to unfold in the best way possible for everyone involved then everything would fall into place. It was like I was watching my life happen around me. My actions were visceral and yet in harmony with everything and everyone around me. Even if others didn't know, understand or like my choices or actions, I knew I wasn't doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone. To let go of controlling the outcome, to let go of pain, anger, the need for my idea of justice or vengeance freed me from the control of others and the chains of my own thoughts and behaviors that had gotten me in those situations in the first place.

When we are stepping into purpose, whether it's your purpose in someone's life or your life purpose you will begin to recognize the moments when you feel despair, judgement of self or others, confusion or any other unsettling emotion and you will recognize the moments when you know something to be true. When you are quiet you can hear it, feel it viscerally, see it in your mind and if you aren't living it you will know that too. Notice what it is you hear yourself saying to others when processing or what it is you're writing over and over when processing. The key to what you are avoiding is in there.

When you realize what it is that needs to be done, when you don't need any feedback or input from anyone else, when you are tired of hearing yourself think or talk about the same thing over and over again, everything shifts. I have known this moment and it is life changing - maybe that's why we avoid it - fear of change? fear of the unknown? fear of success and/or failure? - The latter doesn't resonate with me because when you know something that deeply you don't even worry about success or failure, that isn't relevant. Now I am witnessing the man I love stepping into his purpose with bravery and confidence. And honestly, I don't think he would ever talk about the possibilities of success or failure either. He knows he is on this planet to make sure every human being has equal access to the food that they need. He doesn't question this, ask for anyone's opinion on it, he just lives it and the more and more he lives it the more people flock to him to support him, offer business advice, mentoring and anything else he may need to reach more and more people. He only has to have a new awareness about what is needed to get to the next level and within days (or less) it happens. He doesn't focus on manifesting, he doesn't worry, he doesn't get all stressed out about anything, he just plays his part in the symphony he's writing adding new instruments as he goes along.

That's the way it is when we are still, we are aware, we are clear, we know what we need to get to the next level, people who are meant to help us along the way just seem to be there right when you need them. No matter how deep this may feel in the moment or however many people help you there is never a doubt "am I doing the right thing?" it all just flows, even the rough spots are easier to get through. I may not be as clear on my purpose as my man is on his but I am clear on my purpose for each day and for now that's enough. When I stop writing about purpose I suppose that's when I've realized it. :) I imagine it will be like this little girl that gets to see life in a clearer way for the first time. It reminds me of when I was in optical for years and how I was moved to tears every time a child could see the world with clarity for the first time; especially when I would put contacts on their eyes for the first time and they would cry with their parents. Nothing in my secular life was ever more fulfilling.

Makeup, Mercury Retrograde and the Lessons They Bring

Boundless by ineedchemicalx

I have been having some intense dreams for the past few weeks and have been weepy for even longer. I didn't realize Mercury was going retrograde, I just felt like my subconscious was trying to work out something really intense. I felt as though I was stuck trying to make sense of it all though, I needed help connecting the dots and making whatever this was move in a productive and healing way. I didn't even care what it was as long as I could learn and grow from it. I needed relief.

After another tedious night of disturbing night terrors and wading through massive floods I reached out to my fellow community of practitioners for feedback and ideas on what could help me move this gunk that felt like it was drowning me with my tears when I was awake and my flooded dreams when I was asleep. The loving and compassionate responses began to help me pull out of my funk. The biggest thing I noticed though was that a LOT of people were feeling very similarly to me. We discussed shared feelings of being stuck, wondering why we haven't gotten further in life, grieving something (or someone), major changes that we are trying to adjust to... You name it and we all seemed to be feeling it. One of the messages I received privately was from a woman who had known abusive relationships before, had battled cancer (unlike me), and now did Coaching around dreams. She helped me understand so much about my flooded dreams in just one message those dreams stopped that night. Watching a classic movie (I Love You Again) that made me laugh probably helped me sleep better too. :)

The morning was May 18th, 2015; the first day of Mercury Retrograde - although I hadn't realized it yet. I slept a little better although the dreams were more complex and vivid. The one thing I did take away from my dreams that night was that I was afraid to face myself... OR there was something keeping me from being honest and authentic to myself. Determined to figure out what this all these dreams were trying to tell/show me I decided to go to work without makeup on.

Now I know this doesn't sound like a big deal to most of you but to help you understand how serious this decision was for me try to understand that I was first employed in October 1989 and I have never EVER gone to work without makeup on. I had such anxiety my heart was racing all morning. This was a type of vulnerability I had never attempted before. Only since my current relationship began over three years ago did I feel brave enough to go out in public without makeup on and that would be a quick errand to the grocery store. I have a partner that tells me all the time how beautiful I am without it and practically begs me to go without it more often but my fears are more powerful than his words of encouragement. I'm pretty sure he finds it maddening. He was confident I was going to break down and put makeup on but I didn't, I braved it!

Here's what I learned from one day at work without makeup:

1. The number of strangers that ignore you, check you out, and look at you with any other variety of emotion does not change.
2. When someone who is used to seeing me everyday with makeup on laughs at me and tells me I look tired and offers me coffee all day it actually makes me feel prouder of myself, not ashamed.
3. I may not be as brave without the encouragement of others, like my young and beautiful little co-worker who mentioned to me more than once how good I look without makeup and I have nothing to worry about. Like she said, "You're pale but you're pale either way so who cares?!" Haha. I liked that perspective from my little feisty and much younger Latina friend.
4. Last but most importantly, I heard my mother and her mother (who even wore foundation on her neck and sometimes her décolletage) in my head all day. I heard what I was told growing up (or basically what I interpreted from what I was told), expressions like, 'You have to always wear makeup so your man doesn't tire of you or cheat on you', 'opportunities happen for women who take care of themselves'. 

 I had to face all the programming I had about my self-worth based on my looks. I had to face all the people that influenced it from the fears of the women in my life, to the kids that would tease and bully me as a child to the relationship I had in the past where I was lucky to only be called Casper when I had makeup on. All these people had trained me to fear showing my face, my REAL face, as if it was something to be ashamed of. The voice of one man who loves me now could not drown out all the voices from my past; I had to do that for myself.

Without realizing it, I had began Mercury Retrograde facing one of my oldest, deepest and arguably, maybe one of my most superficial fears. After my first consultation with the coach I mentioned earlier I realized that what I did that day was probably one of the most loving things I could have done for myself. I love makeup, it keeps me from nervously touching and picking at my face and it's one of the few really feminine things I get a lot of joy out of doing but I learned that I don't NEED it. I wear makeup when I respect myself, take pride in myself and want to amplify what I see in the mirror. Now I can go without makeup whenever I want to and feel those exact same things! I wear the makeup, it doesn't wear me. I don't have to hide behind or allow it to define me and going without doesn't make me any more or less of a beautiful woman.

Does any of this have to do with Mercury Retrograde? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it matter? Not really. When it's time to face things and begin to change old patterns and get the courage to face old fears then it's just time. If the cosmos, universe, planets, or whatever happens to support you in that moment or even helps facilitate it then so be it. Awareness is key - in all things. None of things have to define you but they can help guide you into getting closer to being and living authentically.

For a dash of added bravery, I took a selfie before work sans makeup. EEK!

Before I Die...

I saw this Ted Talk on Mother's Day (because all I wanted to do was relax and stare at a T.V. for ONE DAY) and I wanted to share it with you because if you do or have ever felt less than you I highly recommend this brief talk.

She gave a few examples and two were my favorites; one was something like, 'before I die I want to be tried for piracy'. The other one yanked a teary emotional release I could not have predicted, 'before I die, I want to be truly me' - or something to that affect (watch it and correct me if you so desire). It hit me like a freight train and made me face how much I am still avoiding living completely as me and I don't have anyone to blame but me.

As she points out in the talk there is a lot of value in reflecting on death in order to know how to truly live. I haven't lived truly authentically at any point in my life because I'm not sure I ever really knew what that meant. Life for me was defined by other people's beliefs and fears so much of my life that when I left my marriage in 2009 I swore to figure out who I was without other people's influence overpowering me again. I've hit another plateau however, and I need to push through to the next level of being who I know I'm capable of being.

This got me to thinking that maybe for me the best way to figure out how to be more authentically me was to make a list of all the times I catch myself changing something for the sake of someone else, whether it's because I'm afraid of what they may say or think or it's because I am compromising a part of myself I don't want to compromise in order to meet someone else's expectations of me. I stand up for myself better than I ever have but I know I need to be better at it, especially in my own head and recognize when I'm getting hostile because I am holding ME back - there is no reason to take that out on people around me.

The Before I Die project has made over 550 walls in over 35 languages and over 70 countries. It will help you reflect and find the courage to be creative and to express what it is that you are holding back.

over 550 Before I Die walls have been created in over 35 languages and over 70 countries, including Kazakhstan, Iraq, Haiti, China, Ukraine, Portugal, Japan, Denmark, Argentina, and South Africa

over 550 Before I Die walls have been created in over 35 languages and over 70 countries, including Kazakhstan, Iraq, Haiti, China, Ukraine, Portugal, Japan, Denmark, Argentina, and South Africa

Forgetting Yourself

In exactly three months I will be 40 years old. This has had me in deep reflection on how far I've come and the lessons I've learned.

I have had an obsession with quotes for years. Other people's perspectives have helped stretch me beyond my own limited beliefs and binary ways of thinking. Now I believe it's time for me to share my own personal realizations and awarenesses - truths if you will. I will not number them because I believe in natural flow of things and if I write anything that says "10 personal truths" or "40 awarenesses you get by 40"... No, I don't want to be a modern or new age cliche. I don't believe in limiting anything to a particular number. The universe is a mathematical wonder but growth - to me - can be as vast and limitless as that same universe.

So here is my first truth because I'm going to be hosting my first Qigong class this month.

When I have forgotten my body I have forgotten peace and calm.

When I have forgotten my brain I have forgotten my wit and gumption.

When I have forgotten my heart I have forgotten myself.

When I have forgotten myself I have forgotten everything I value or hold dear, including my loved ones.

All of these things connect me to myself, to others, and to the vastness with love and not fear. 

When I forget anything I fear everything.

When Caring Goes Bad

It's time for a Facebook and overall social media cleanse, my denial is over...

More than once this past week I have heard different people who care about me point out, (in person), that I have a habit of caring too much about what other people think. Now this has always been an issue with me having been raised to believe that everyone pays attention and everyone will notice if you screw up and no one cares when you're doing things right. I grew up in quite a paranoid environment and then I married into one and the cycle continued.

As I have been stripped of everything I once used to identify or label myself all of my old ideas and beliefs have been challenged and/or stripped away as well. I have suffered a lot of grief over this past summer as I grieved the person I once knew, a person formed by the opinions, threats, and guilt trips of others, and realized that I had to be all alone with myself which was quite frankly, a very horrifying thought mainly because I didn't know who that was... Actually, that's not true, I always have known but I have never EVER been given the opportunity to express it. Ok, that's a cop-out, I have never taken the opportunity to express it, not completely; not until 2009 when I left my marriage did I really begin to explore who I was apart from other people's ideas, beliefs, and expectations of me and force myself to live accordingly and subsequently I lost everything I could possibly use to form my identity including time with my child.

This week I saw my brother for the first time in a long while and was able to feel connected to my roots again, my original tribe, and it felt so good. It felt good to hear him speak about his passions and to have him listen to me about my frustrations with where I'm at in my process and how badly I want to be there for people going through similar challenges I have faced and as I poured my heart out he simply responded, (as though he was a Life Coach too), "It sounds to me that everything you're saying is what you need right now. You need to give yourself permission to grieve everything you've lost and every painful discovery you have made. You have permission from the people who matter but you need to give yourself permission." In that moment I felt as though a heavy and dark cloak was lifted from me and it was so simple I had over-thought it. I shared this story with my partner the next morning and he smiled and said, "You do have permission, honey... go ahead and cry now." Naturally he had to be a little smug about how supportive he is capable of being. But you know what? My mind finally slowed down.

Only over the past couple of days of just sitting with my grief, acknowledging it for what it is and giving myself permission to do so did I also realize that I have been in denial over how strongly I have held on to things that I shouldn't be hanging on to anymore. Most likely this has been out of fear of losing more in my life after being so angry for what has already been taken from me, (and yes, I realize things can always be worse but that doesn't make my or anyone else's emotions any less valid), so I have clung to things, people, experiences, etc. This fear has kept me distracted and avoidant, consumed with things that really don't have to matter that much.

I refuse to say that I'm letting go of what no longer "serves me" because I believe it is the height of arrogance to say any person, thing, or experience should ever SERVE ME; I literally feel pain in my gut when I hear that expression. I will say this however, there are things I have hung on to, activities, experiences and people that make me feel drained, the reasons are moot and I couldn't explain it completely if I tried but I don't have to. There are things, people, and activities that enhance our life or help us sustain it but we all have a choice as to what we choose to participate in and if something drains us, mind, body, or spirit, or we know there are people out there that don't really care for us, then why hang on to any of those things? Why fight and try to continue to matter or find meaning to a person, a job, or an experience that isn't willing to offer the same opportunity in return? Not that we are owed anything but there comes a point where we just keep spinning our wheels over something and for what?

I racked up quite the friend count on Facebook. I had two profiles for a while because I was paid to help people network online and build their social media presence. I don't do that anymore and the very thought of it makes me cringe. Now I have a Facebook account full of people I met only once and even a few people I don't know at all and I don't really know why anymore; isn't this what Fan Pages are for or LinkedIn? I have a Facebook Fan Page and if anyone was really interested in where my business is going to go or what I have to offer they would follow it, right? Other than that, I see no reason to hang on to online "friendships" that amount only to me "Liking" or commenting someone's posts or shares out of sincere appreciation or interest only to feel like crap that so many people don't seem to offer the same not only to me but to anyone else. And if this is making me feel as though I have to keep some kind of mental tally then how healthy can that possibly be for me?! I'm sure they don't think about it that hard... But the fact is, I do. I am not on Facebook as much as I used to be and I keep missing really meaningful things shared by people I talk to regularly, people who care about me as much as I care about them online or off. So for me, it's time to clean my online house. I'm heading in a completely different direction and I plan on walking my talk by staying connected to the people who make me feel connected and vice-versa. My "friend" collection that I selfishly accumulated will take a serious hit but it's time to be selfish in a much healthier way. I'm quite sure no one will really notice anyway. And yes, this is that big of a deal to me.

Sit in the Uncomfortableness

Looks uncomfortable...by ~Havoc-elite

In one of our final classes for Life Coaching certification we practiced a powerful exercise around helping a client through getting an apology from someone from their past who isn't willing or able to give them the apology the client needs. This exercise was more powerful than I could have imagined and I could understand why it would be necessary for anyone feeling stuck in life. It was surprisingly simple and required little to no detail from the client in order to facilitate the process which was also a pleasant surprise, (not everyone wants to share details).

When we started the exercise we began simply by facing our surrogate (the Coach) and "client" and we were given very few details about how the process would go so after the first portion my partner and I kind of looked at each other like, "What now?" and as I started to ask the instructor the question he stopped me and said, "Just sit in the uncomfortableness, Micah." My internal dialogue was racing because I understood the power of those words and what his intention was when he spoke them and also could hear in my mind how I would rationalize my reason for asking so as to not look foolish.

Ever since that moment I have heard my instructor's voice booming in my head like the voice of God in any and every possible situation that could be uncomfortable for me but necessary for a healing process and I have decided that I may hear his voice in my head in these types of situations for the rest of my life.

This has had me thinking about how much time and energy we spend in avoiding pain and discomfort which is interesting because if we just faced our pain, owned why we were feeling it, took responsibility in our role in it and made the conscious decision to determine how much we were willing to suffer over it, then we would spend less time in pain or discomfort than we do avoiding it. To explain what I mean, let me give you two examples that pop into my head right away:

1. Avoiding Love - I have done video blogs and posted them with blogs on my website about Love Avoidants and how Love Addicts can occasionally behave like a Love Avoidant and as a recovering Love Addict I feel baffled at how much time and energy goes into wanting love but being so afraid of it you push love away once you find it as if it will hurt less for it to end sooner over and over and over again as opposed to diving in and truly exploring what love really is, what it truly feels like, and all the yummy goodness that goes with committing to one person for a while along with what we are willing to live with and compromise when committed to someone else. 

Relationships aren't always pretty but it is in the uncomfortable and painful moments when we have the opportunity to truly connect with another person even more or have any questions about your love (or relationship) answered. Those tough moments prove what a person is truly made of; it's in these moments that we are most raw and exposed and it may not always be pretty but what comes from it can be more beautiful than anything we would've previously imagined, even if it's as simple as a stronger sense of self.

    2. Going to the Doctor - Can you imagine how less frequently people would go to the doctor if they went to the root of why they were feeling the way they felt? Don't get me wrong, I believe that going to the doctor is critical in many circumstances but the more I have learned practiced, and experienced complimentary / alternative medicine the better I feel. I feel more confident, my health is improving, I'm more clear about who I am and what I have to offer and I see countless examples of other people taking responsibility for their health and lives every single day.

Pain in our body is like a weed in our garden, we can trim it, spray it, do whatever we want to in order to avoid looking at these unsightly weeds but without getting to the root the weed will just keep finding other ways to grow. Pain in our body that gets ignored, avoided, buried and covered up will just move to another spot or grow even bigger. When we don't process our emotions, (including pain), in a healthy way it gets stored in our body and stays there until it becomes chronic or even a dis/ease like a heart condition or cancer.

We spend so much time and energy trying to control the outcomes of any given situation that we forget we have more control over ourselves and how we feel than anything else there is and when we ignore that we surrender any and all of our control to circumstances and pain whether it's real, imagined, past, or future. So I ask you, what is more difficult, sitting in the uncomfortableness of pain when it first shows up, being present with it and even asking for help facing it and moving through it at your own pace? Or avoiding it and allowing it to build up until it becomes a regret or a dis/ease?